Sunday, January 20, 2013


I made this art card yesterday right before going to kendo:

That Awkward Moment When You Realize He KNEW All Along

It is something everybody may have experienced, but is particularly something I experience on and off. Other times I pretend he does not know, other times I know he must know but I brush it off. And then there are these times when I wince or kind of panic although it might not be clear why it makes me unbearably anxious and sometimes embarrassed. 

Anyway *brush off* yesterday I had one of those very, very enjoyable kendo practices. I mean they're all fun but yesterday was one of those times when I just felt great and happy all throughout. And then after that was even more greatness and more happiness (except perhaps for the part after dinner where my friends were putting me on the spot with this guy whom they THINK I like but is Totally Not Even Remotely Interested In Me and has absolutely nothing to do with the above art card because there is nothing for him to Know in the first place). 

So anyway after sitting through the Few Minutes of Being Unwanted and Ignored XD some people went ahead and left and the rest of us moved on to Coffee and Conversations That Make So Much Sense and Build Connections. Occasionally I'd have those awk-weird thoughts and moments and Internally I would look like me in the art card but I would proceed immediately to Brushing Off and acting as if I Know Nothing. I think it was a Great night all in all and it was even greater I was able to clarify some things that kind of made me insane some time last month XD I think it really pays to stop and breathe and reconsider and listen and I think I have kind of grown up some more since that time and now I just feel happy so I will paint some more. I am practically glowing. 

Oh but wait this morning I had a very emotionally stressful nightmare, where I totally forgot my manners and threw all my learnings outside the window and was not very nice to Whom I No Longer Wish To Call Yadomi Because I Do Not Want To Perpetuate His Preference For The Menmas/Menmauses besides there was a relieving break from that before I went right back but at a more stable, sane, and safe state so right now he has no name (at least for posts referring to him this way omg more of the above face), and I thought I was going to lose him forever but just right before I woke up, I remember standing there helplessly, a nearby friend horribly drunk and giving me useless advice, and then He passes by and started to apologize and I said not to because it was all my fault and then exactly right before I opened my eyes to fully wake up, he held out his hand to signify we should resolve the issue together, like Together, and relieved I took it and I woke up Just Right After my hand landed on his. It sounds omg dramatic but I almost resented having to wake up from such a resolution that was Not Real After All XD What with all the Realities I don't think we will ever be Together and I only have that art card face inside me but at least it's something I can handle. I think. Haha. 

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