I spent a great deal of my Sunday getting started finally on working my way out of some intense but fruitless phase, and I thought I was doing nicely albeit with difficulty, so I got myself a little something to add to the comfort, while consciously and actively shunning any thoughts that would lead to him.
|My favorites from the bunch|
Of course the bulk of the emotions is still there, and while I cannot do anything about it, I can still manage what I do ABOUT it. Occasionally I would indulge myself a bit but through writing or painting about it, but whenever I catch myself about to just stop and think about it, I move on to Other Things That Matter. It requires great effort, but I just cannot feel bad about it anymore. If he decides to just disappear on me like that, then there is no use trying to "win" him back, especially if he forgets so many things so easily. Omg maybe he forgot who I am or what kind of nice warm friendship we actually have! D: Haha. (Oh can't he just forget aggressive, forward, potentially-insane blatant-message senders instead!)
Anyway I get this thing out of my system just by making something productive out of it, while quickly moving forward when I find myself settling in with any thought that does not really get me anywhere :D (As a result, my insomnia for the past two weeks seems to have come to an end, and Sunday night I was able to Feel Sleepy by 11:30, and I was asleep by 12:30, as opposed to the recent usual 4 AM :D) Yesterday I made this illustration which to me basically expresses how currently, at the end of the day, a big part of me has this huge tendency to succumb to A Death By Him, although of course I trust I will crawl out of it in time.
|Ah the death of me. But I trust I shall manage to crawl out of it and leave him behind, my emotions left behind too.|
I was playing music in a random order and towards the end of coloring, Her Most Beautiful Eyes from a Rurouni Kenshin soundtrack came on, and I heaved about a million sighs.
In the afternoon a handful of Hershey's chocolate kisses lifted my spirits up a bit, and my student made me laugh so much, that I started on another illustration. Well it IS still born from whatever I have about He-Who-Suddenly-Changed *apologizes profusely* (omg here I go again with my profuse apologies) and it came from one of those quiet, bittersweet moments when I just mellow down and endure it all with Fortitude. (If I were a game character my Fortitude would be an immediate 100.)
|Exhibiting fortitude, keeping the faith.|
I was not able to finish it though because later on my sister came over and we had a Harvey-Specter-Daryl-Dixon-Sammy-Winchester-fest. Then again, I felt immediately sleepy after she left so I had no problems sleeping at all :D I also woke up quite early today, and I would like to think of it as a good sign, apart from it being a signal that the seasons are shifting. Once I get back to naturally waking up at 6, I shall immediately go back to my Running Mornings :3 Hopefully too, the lump on my arm continues to heal (it is much smaller now) so that I can get back to regular kendo practice. I have been skipping weekday practices and last Saturday I joined the beginners' class since I could not risk it. I realize I should've let it rest the moment my arm grew a lump, instead of still playing almost every other day for three more sessions. On the other hand, I think that had to happen so that as I now wean myself (again; sorry) I do not have to see him as much :3