Sunday, February 10, 2013

The Last Straw

Okay, wait. The title "The Last Straw" SUDDENLY made me think of an illustration last year I called The Swallower of Sins, but no, it isn't about that. Oh but wait, maybe it does have something to do with that, and really, it IS the last straw. And I am then throwing it away albeit my knuckles turning white from gripping it so tightly but alright I am putting on my Determined Ponyo Face Walking On The Water as I throw the straw away and walk away from this.  

This. 

This thing that started with an inexplicable intensity. I have to walk away from it now, really. Well, I should've walked away before but I kind of stuck around and let it morph and evolve but now I really have to. And to do that I would have to explain this week's illustrations and then just let it all go. (Wow I just made that sound SO easy gah. But really, I am keeping away this time because I am not really in a hit-me-hurt-me mode, at least not in a good way wt)

It all started Sunday (I know, the post in the link is dated Monday but I started writing it Sunday night, cat exploding).  

After what had been seeming to be a friendship/connection that Just Keeps Getting Better and Closer, the said friendship/connection that is drawing me in more and more each time suddenly came to a HALT. 

There seemed to be some kind of Glitch sometime on the latter part of last week, but it was made all right by last weekend, or at least by that Saturday, but as of the Sunday after that, I just knew it and felt it - Something Changed. 

I have wondered, whom has he become, like maybe the same guy who lost a woman's Hut Number shape-shifted and took his place and now does not seem to know me, or maybe yes, it was Someone Else, and the intensity I have in me for him is the intensity (I bet mine is more sparkly and vibrant though) he has for Her. Sometimes I cannot bear it and I am more like the evil-eye shadow than myself. The claws are awesome though. Very useful for swiping people away, sharply, from this world. But then again I would prefer if I removed whichever part of my brain or consciousness or heart contains elements of him, so that I will feel Nothing for him. 

I sound insane just saying it, and I have no proof, but as with some things people sense, just right from their dan tien, we all Just Know

And in the days after that Sunday, I lived each day knowing Something Really Has Changed. 

I keep doing my best to adjust to it though, each day. I focused on things that have less to do with him, like being a kyoushi and appreciating the people who actually take the time to check out and appreciate my art and really subscribe to anything I put out there, which he has been less of, since Whatever/Whoever this thing/aggressive person  has affected him.

And I can't quite put my finger into it. I tried to figure out if it was a blog post or a choice not to disclose something or was it something I did, something I said, or was it Someone Else

It pained me that he just, you know, suddenly Slipped Away :D It is not really my idea of Fun. Of Torment, yes, Fun, no. But I had to endure it, staying in place, in no place to make demands, full of questions I shouldn't be asking or couldn't possibly ask.  

Not that I AM Someone in order for anyone to be a Someone Else, but you see, well, I make about 29,927 wishes out of this.  

And so the Change took place. Suddenly he was just So Distant. It could be conscious or unconscious on his part, but regardless, there is suddenly this wall and I am more of the stranger, not him. And you see you don't really pay attention to strangers. And with this wall, I am the one on the outside. 

Okay this isn't really an illustration :D It was something inspired by Akiyuki Shinbo and it just came to me when I opened my eyes yesterday morning after another musical insomnia. Although I facetiously call it my Beautiful Face Photo, I think it perfectly illustrates how I feel the Shift has turned me into this. A generic stranger you barely even see at all. Hardly interesting. Artworks hardly worth looking at and blog posts now hardly worth reading anymore. Irrelevant. Some girl. Worse, just some person. 

I tried to ask but everything that came from him was dismissive, curt. It is always better not to push or insist. So I was practically Scraping for what's left in my rusty vault of Fortitude. I suddenly felt so Orphaned. 

I would've preferred this look to be a form of Relief, hence I called it that, though this is really more like a pained silence and loss (in more ways than one).

Then yesterday, and last night, I saw it. Or rather, I saw Nothing. Maybe I did see something but it isn't for me. It was NEVER for me. And whatever Last Vestiges of Before were there, there were quickly melting away. He has driven forward without me and while I have to move forward too, I have to go in a different direction. Not backwards, but just, Away. 

It is quite unfortunate I felt and feel this way about him, but I have to wait with Great Fortitude until this passes. And I hope it passes really soon. I mean really, like maybe, 16 seconds from now? :D Seriously, I feel crushed. 

There have been nights after nights of (musical) insomnia, and my mind had been racing than ever. Although run-on sentences are part of my daily speech, the recent ones are levels higher that I thought I could almost hear them and see them growing their own heads and bodies. However, now it is time to rein them. I am fatigued, and I have a long way to go, on foot. I cannot let them take over and always, always try to catch up to him, because by the time my run-on sentence herd manages to, he always accelerates and god, I am tired, and he shows no promise of rest, or won't even stop over for a beverage anymore. 

But I shall keep moving forward, knowing this surely has its purpose, though right now it just looks like a pile of... Something That's Otherwise. 

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