Saturday, August 31, 2013

Pictures and Pages

Last few pictures from last weekend, along with some thoughts which arose in this morning's Pages, which also came out in a conversation with my sister. They don't necessarily go together, but, anyway, just... ride along :D Think of it as listening to someone rambling on while you look out the window of a running bus. I am still also quite uncertain how to write these constantly meandering thoughts. 



It surfaced in this morning's Pages. My old feelings for certain people seem to have been placed differently now in my perspective. It was like, being out there was like being able to swim out of the pond, and into the sea. And, I wrote, in a way, certain things and ways of thinking were washed away from my eyes and my mind. So it's like, upon returning, the other fish in the pond may not have changed, but I know that somehow I did, or at least something inside me did. I am not sure exactly what sort of change it is. But somehow, now I realize that I had been deeply attached, more deeply attached than I thought, all this time, to certain people or groups. Which now explains why I was quick to anger or why I ended up disappointed and emotionally troubled. It was because I was very attached to them, or whatever it is they represent to me in my life. 


But now, with this change-thing that I cannot even begin to articulate, all that attachment just dissipated into nothingness. It is not they have been replaced. In fact, I might be able to say I seem to be alone as ever, especially since I saw the complete opposite of my situation in others while I was away. However, I also felt/saw/perceived/sensed (what the, I mean really, it is hard to transcribe thoughts zooming by, especially those I cannot fully comprehend yet) that something has "changed." For the nth time I do not know exactly what, but I know something did, at some part inside me. 


Now, there is a sort of "detachment," for lack of a better word. Something magnified the context I was in, right before the "change." The context that I was attaching myself to things, people, or groups that are not really worth it, not worth all the trouble and effort and emotional stress. Something magnified all that, which made the "detachment" process much more fluid, more natural, more effortless. Whatever that something is, I am not sure. But that, combined with a recent realization about a friendship which turned out to be not one, and combined with being away from everyone else I attached myself to, I suddenly saw certain realities about some relationships, which turned out to be not as deep or connected as I would have wanted them to be. There are vast distances in values. There have been elements that simply strain and not strengthen. And being away from everything made me realize that it did not really entail any loss or longing from my end. It was also because I started seeing some things and people in forms closer to the truth, instead of the forms I wanted to see. 


It was like, suddenly being at sea without any specific expectations made me see in a candid manner that I may not have found my tribe yet, but it did remind me that the world is far greater and bigger and there are far more opportunities than I think, and that I do not need to get stuck with the same cycles and habits and people and meaningless rituals nor force myself to believe that I am surrounded by genuine connections or pseudo-tribes. Moreover, I also noticed that, difficult as it may be for me, it has somehow become more automatic to go through a screen-find-(notlookfor)-non-negotiable-flaw-reject-bin. Pretty much like the thing I mentioned that happened recently. Even if I realized it a bit late (again) that something was not as it seemed, I don't feel so bad nor guilty anymore about placing warning labels on it for myself. 


Then I also wrote about those I had been avoiding like the plague. They may still be the same, still give the same reasons why I wanted myself transported to distant lands when they were around. But since that "change," it's like no matter how noisy (literally and figuratively) their presence is, I noticed that I  am just not perturbed anymore. Which means no more rotten moods. No more desire to attack or maim. Which brings me back to my earlier point about certain attachments just suddenly dissipating into thin air. Not that I was attached to those that I avoided, but I was attached to those who reacted to and glorified them. And so when they did all those things, I would internally flare up. But then again, looking at things now in this "new" perspective, it is more like, I am no longer attached, hence I am not affected. Because of the detachment, the root of all my issues from before has just died and is merely fertilizing this new ground I am walking on. 


So there. I do not know exactly what the trigger was, or what changed. But since I returned, I noticed a similar pattern arising from my daily Morning Pages, until it all sort of ripened earlier today. Then it gave birth to that realization that while nothing has really changed, somehow, through a "change" that lies beneath the surface, I was just able to step through something that I have always wanted to get across but never managed to. And it is great, because I have always worked hard to surpass it, and I always faltered. But now, there was just suddenly a path available to me, a path so clear I cannot imagine not having seen it before. 

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