First of all, let me say that I am quite proud of myself this week, at least in terms of my daily schedule *simpers smugly* For the first time, I think in my entire life, I was able to get out of bed at the time I intended to, and I was able to follow everything in my schedule list, all the way from Monday until yesterday (today and tomorrow are my rest days). Although I was never able to sleep as early as I intended, I was still able to get out of bed on time, and all items in my to-do lists were all checked :3
And then I was also able to go for many walks, which, for this week, were much more needed than usual.
I won't go into the boring details of where that huge ominous sigh came from, but perhaps I can say that the walks helped, and as of now, whatever it is that I am going through, I can say that I may be considered "Doing Quite Well" in dealing with this, this... Thing. I have heard quite a lot of lectures from myself plus it is about time I put many of life's learning to actual use, especially at such an emotional time. Anyway, there is nothing I can do about such a situation except to be the best person that I can be and to keep moving forward no matter what.
So, moving forward as though the previous paragraph did not exist, here is a work in progress - I know it is already the second, or almost the third, week of the month, and I have not finished anything on paper. (oh but see there were these rocks) I do have a few additional painted rocks, though, on top of the ones I did last week, but those, I also have to finish and coat with fixative. Anyway, here is part of a piece called "Wake Up."
This image was born from one of the many walks I took, on a day when I particularly felt very, very melancholic, and I told myself it is time to really, really wake up from a dreamy state where the pretty things I see and feel can easily turn into a nightmare. During these times, it is much better to live some kind of blah ordinary and yet undisturbed and productive day than feel exhilaration at some fake lovely scenes and then realize I am already actually falling into an abyss where not even a monster's open jaws await me because there is just nothing, really, I mean nothing, and so okay I shall not get me started. Anyway this piece isn't finished yet, and I hope I can finish it on Tuesday.
My last long walk of the week was yesterday morning, after a night of hardly any sleep. When I went to sleep that night I felt like I was so broken and I was way, way too exhausted to put myself back together, and when I did fall asleep I had nightmares, and then I'd wake up every twenty minutes or so, and it was just horrible and I hated it, but when my alarm finally went off on Saturday morning, and I know my only choice was to face the day, I decided to just keep going on and prepare myself for more days which will most probably have the same find of crushed feeling lurking around it. I just need to be brave and strong, that's all. (yeah I just made it SOUND so easy sshhhh)
Saturday morning was rainy, and while it made me feel a bit sadder, it also comforted me somehow and I personally like walking under a big, curvy umbrella because it makes me feel like I am completely hidden even if I am walking outside (those moments I deeply enjoy being invisible).
My sister joined me, but we walked separately, in silence, our umbrellas marking the large thought bubbles that also contained ourselves.
I still have so much to learn, or, I guess I still needed to go through these things to sort of "test" myself or for me to see how I would fare in terms of actually living and applying the many lessons I have learned, particularly when it came to occasions of difficulty, and not just the times when everything is just so easy to follow because everything else is going on so easily and smoothly. I guess these less-fortunate-moments also serve as a mirror for me to see how much I have actually grown or how badly I will mess things up even more. Fortunately though, even if the latter takes place, it still goes back to re-learning the lesson, except that it was learned in a much harder way.
Currently I am at a blind corner, but I just have to move forward, right, and meet whatever awaits me there. If any. For all I know there could just be yet another path with uncertain signs and I have to again find my way blindly, playing things by ear, but then at least I will have brought with me more lessons which should not fly out the window along with my fortitude in case of any big encounters with Things.
Despite all the similar patterns that I see in myself and in the situation though, this whole experience is actually still Quite New to me, so it is like an old and new test at the same time. I can be full of trepidation though, and I don't want that holding me back or dragging me down or causing me to trip forward at such a bad timing.
Okay so I still ended up talking about the thing, right, albeit in a cryptic manner (^^U) In any case, wish me luck so that I can move forward with faith and fortitude. I shall be as brave as I can be.
By the end of that Saturday morning walk, I felt more up to moving forward with my life with more lively steps. Back home, I was welcomed by mushrooms which I realized were beautifully just sprouting from what's left of an old tree.
Today, I did my usual work in the morning, then since I had the rest of the day free, I went out during the afternoon with my sister for a nice walk. The rains have stopped and it was a nice sunny and windy afternoon. I wore one of my favorite pink skirts, and today I pinned these beauties on it.
Now I shall head to dinner and then probably spend the rest of the evening watching something. I shall do my best to keep staying calm, and to keep my faith that things shall turn out for the best.