Sunday, November 3, 2013

Put to Rest

In their own fashion, some things seem to have been put to rest this weekend. 

During the Halloween, when the veil between our world and the spirits' is at its thinnest, I decided to talk to an ex-boyfriend who has passed away about a couple of months before, albeit hesitantly (the talking not the dying), and feeling a bit silly while I was at it. I did not really think about it, I just found myself starting this unusual conversation. I told him about something I am going through, and how much of a difficult time I am having about it, and how I do not understand why it is all happening in the first place, until finally I just did not know what to say anymore, nor what to ask for about it, that I just asked him to say some prayer or help in some way I have no idea of, so that this thing I am having a hard time with would somehow be settled, or put to rest, and that in the end I just find the happiness I seek with regard to that aspect of things. I think I just rambled on for the most part, but intelligent and sincere exes are very likely to just get it whatever you are saying, plus they are not really just regular people anymore, right, so I just kind of felt after a million sighs about the matter that I have somehow made myself clear to him, and then before I rejoined the world, I asked him for some kind of sign or message that is fairly clear but not belonging in the realm of horror movies. And then I moved on and did my best in dealing with the matter on my own, in which, so far, I believe I am doing fairly well. 

Then the rest of the Halloween and Dia Delos Muertos was spent being ill and working at the same time. The being-ill part was really quite a hassle, since it prevented me a great deal from functioning normally, and I had to pause for naps and groans. The work-part though, I enjoyed, yes, Enjoyed, because I was writing about topics which were interesting things for me and which I like talking or writing about. I enjoyed it too because I think the way I am dealing with the matter is working well for me, so I was able to focus more on work and whatever it is I had to do at any given moment. It is hard and sometimes I heave about a hundred sighs, but I can only move forward. 

Saturday was kendo day, and my illness was not going to stop me from attending. Besides, I have had experiences of kendo healing me from anxiety, preoccupation, sadness, and really bad headaches, so I wanted to try if it was going to work for a combination of a slight fever, clogged sinuses, and dry, scratchy cough. 

I decided to start fighting for my ability to function normally despite a teary left eye by going out in the morning to check out a book warehouse sale. Before heading out, I ate a full breakfast and stuffed my face with all the medicines my family made me take. 

After about a couple of hours my dad, my sister, and I went to the book warehouse sale. I found three books that I wanted. Uncle Silas is a book I am currently reading via Kindle, but it is a book I would like to have a printed copy of, plus I like the version of the print that I found. So I got it. Then I have never read The Unbearable Lightness of Being despite my intentions to read it a long, long time ago, until one time I decided not to read it yet because everyone around me kept dropping the title and the author's name as though it was some verbal kind of glamorous bling, that I lost interest, and then just last week, I was in a bookstore and I saw it and thought of wanting to buy it, but since I had no intentions of buying anything that time, I let it go. And then I found it in the book sale, so alright, it was time I actually get it for me. 

As for The Book of Runes by Ralph H. Blum, that, I am quite lucky with. I have my own rune stones which I have made for myself years ago, but I did not have a Ralph H. Blum rune book of my own, and it is that rune book version I particularly like, because I have read my sister's own copy and so far, it is the rune book I feel most connected and "at home" with. Then, upon entering the book sale, I saw it there, and I think it was kind of grinning. I took it and now it is mine. It even came with its own set of rune stones. 

In the afternoon I went to kendo class, and though I felt weak and woozy, I felt all the clogged sensations in my head leaving me, that my fever has not returned since then :) Kendo heals :D I came home straight after practice, and was asleep before midnight. Right before I woke up at seven AM, I had a dream. 

I was with a friend of mine, and we were talking. Just then, my ex, whom I mentioned earlier in this post, came passing by, and he looked at me, and smiled. I smiled back, and felt a bit awkward since I had not seen him in like, seven years. He walked on, never removing his gaze and smile from me, and he gave me a little nod, and in my mind I heard the message that said, "Everything is going to be alright now." I suddenly felt comfortable, then as he disappeared from view, I realized  he is supposed to be dead, and as the surprise sank in, I gasped and was about to call out to him, and just in time, I woke up, with the memory of all of it so clear and I was so certain it was his way of saying goodbye, and responding to the favor I asked of him during the Halloween, which I barely even remember as I got out of bed. 

My heart was racing, still recovering from the "shock" I felt in the dream for seeing him walking by despite the fact that he has already died, but I was fully awake, and then in a soft voice, I thanked him sincerely for what he did, and for not making it horror-movie material. Mainly I thanked him for the assurance. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY NOW. I admitted to him though, that I am not sure what it really means, at least in terms of the matter, but at least I know things will be okay. I guess I just have to wait and see. And believe. 

Then I got up and went to work and did some usual Sunday-things, and as I browsed through some pins in Pinterest, I found this image, and somehow I just felt all of it, and I briefly felt like my heart was going to burst because of wishes I have had about being on roofs with someone, and how awkward things could be but it would all be all right because we are just really awkward like that. 

Image from Pinterest 

To snap out of it, I just decided to finish my shimmering piece, doing my best to move forward, and keep the faith that things will work out fine. 

This piece is called The Day It Rained Cherries. Finally, finished. Creating this saw through many phases and other things that will just bore everyone including me. Anyway it is done now, and it seems many things are now at rest. 

I must admit though, right now I am a bit… lost. Again. Yes, that short interval from beginning this post to finishing it. I wonder what the matter is. I wonder when things will stop being Mean Jokes. I mean, right now, you know, I would appreciate it if blessings no longer came in disguise. Like if they just came. Halloween is over, so can the blessings just march in without the disguise part? Sometimes it is just isn't fun anymore and I am just tired. 

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