Monday, December 2, 2013

Morning Pages At Night, As Dark As Night

So what do I plan to do with all these invisible and suddenly-invisible and gradually-becoming-invisible people?

Nothing. 

Absolutely nothing. 

The Shameless Manner I Devoured The Canned Sausages (March 2013)

Just let them fall away naturally, I must say. And the truth is I hope some of them fall away more quickly, instead of just prolonging an agony that has become some kind of working-day routine. It is so much worse, so so much worse, to keep receiving all these empty messages that are born more out of habit than a sincere interest. It is about time we just leave each other alone in peace. Do not pretend to care or be interested anymore because it is just sucking out energy from me. Unless that is your intention, which I think is not, since you are really a kind and responsible and generous and lovely person, and I mean that, except that somehow you cannot man up to the fact that this, this thing, this non-thing more appropriately, is just kind of, you know, Dead. 

Ohayou (2011)

It is the start of December, the last month of the year, the last full month of this Year of True Paths, and everything today was late and disorienting, hence I wrote my Morning Pages at night, after a long period of unease and disorientation that followed an untimely early-evening nap which I am apparently never getting used to. Then, I wrote my Morning Pages (yes at night), and out came a sudden generous pouring of realizations about all these people who never even took the time, or who took the time but did not sustain whatever it is they started out to do, or who took the time at first, but decided to be part of the fickle mob who only has time for itself, always, always as a group. Like individual slices of bread, proud of being individual slices, but always exerting the extra effort to show that they are part of a certain loaf, and being safely tucked inside their plastic bags. 

Why do I sound like a Dreary December Dominatrix ready to chew off heads omg. 

Sandwalker (2012)

Perhaps this difficult weeding out that is done in an unusual way is part of paving the True Path so I can reach my real destination. Maybe all the sparkly people I thought were going to be part of all that are not part after all, or maybe they do have their parts, but not in the way I thought they would. Like maybe I thought some were going to cheer me on, but they were more like distractions that would then lead me to a path I am meant to tread. Or perhaps I thought some would nicely guide me by the hand, only to push me roughly forward, and yes I may have moved forward but I am like, wtf, that push was so rough my face hit the ground and I would walk forward bleeding and ugly. 

In any case, I ramble on now as I try to flow forward. Apparently, more than me leaving people behind, they have chosen to stay behind. It just Looks Like I have left people behind, but oftentimes I would feel like they just chose to stay behind. And some of them even talk. That is crappy, actually. 

Misses You (February 2013)

There are things I might never seem to understand, like aloof icons who show me big bright smiles but never get close enough to even breathe the same air I do, or Mean Jokes who come from the same country, or why the fudge I even bother with any of them at all, or why certain beings base my skills on how un-pretty and un-attractive I am, and maybe I may never even fully understand what their freaking purposes are. But, difficult as it may be for me, perhaps right now I can only concern myself with what is happening at any present moment. That way, cold shoulders that originate from way back and empty messages I might receive in the near future (since the regular working days are back again tomorrow and I feel like I am a to-do item like a chore or a client email), among other things, do not tug at my emotional hairs in a very annoying$#!+manner that makes me feel like hurling sharp school supplies in their direction. You see, I would rather stay quiet and cheerful. Really. 

Mr. Pebbleman (2011)

I know I do not look quite like it, but really. So. For The Various Characters Who May Now Get Off My Stage: 

1. Stop with the empty messages already. This chore might injure you or something. I am not a weekday to-do. 

Racing Mind, Run-On Sentences Fest (Fenruary 2013)

2. What is with this high and mighty aloofness? I am simply fangirling because you are a great girl, girl. 

3. I can take my pieces someplace else. The truth is, those Someplace-Elses are the ones reaching towards me to acknowledge my output. So, thank you appreciating countries. 

All Just Wrong (2012)

4. We all have moods so I do not wish to be taught or bullied by those of others. 

5. Sanada Hiroyuki is totemo kakkoi and that has nothing to do with the other things listed here for a gradually-dissolving-guy, a disappointing-iconic-supergirl, a fickle spineless mob who are living against the principles they supposedly represent, and supposed higher ones who are possessed by their moods and whims. I just thought I'd mention Sanada Hiroyuki because I think he is Amazing and he reminds me of a  particular fanboy whom I am now fangirling back. It is like a Mutual Admiration Society, and the usual venue is inside my head.

Now it is almost midnight and I shall step out for a nice walk, and stuff my face at the nearest, most benri, convenience store in the neighborhood. I expect to look less like Princess Jemmy the Princess of Chaos when I get back, and more like the regular, calm, quiet girl that I often am. 

The Odd Girl (March 2013)

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