Even after my oosouji /major cleaning days before last year ended, I am still on to cleaning up things digitally. And I came across this old Evernote notebook / journal where I am now deleting horrific things from, and I saw a September 2012 entry, where I sounded completely mental. It was about this person I was inexplicably drawn to before and how lame I would be when he was around. One night I was so bothered by how affected I was earlier that same evening so I had to write about it to get it out of my system. Reading it now, it is a very what-the-fudge moment. Really, what the fudge.
In one part, I wrote, "I arrive in the dojo and I see him and I go to pieces."
So, alright, perfectly understandable, because I could somehow pretend I was intact and sober.
And then after a few more lines of rambling it becomes loonier.
"I see his hair up close and I become deaf to everything else."
So. What the fudge.
AS IF that was not bad enough, my last line got the trophy for The What-The-Fudge award, complete with Insanity Confetti and the background music that Only Certain People Hear. It was about that moment when we were lining up for keiko with the teachers.
"...and I was watching him. I was not even watching him do kendo. I was watching him Standing There wtf."
I mean WHO watches a STANDING PERSON :)) Really, WHO???? :))
In any case, I just had to share that creepily funny thing, and I guess my laughter has a large dose of relief in it that it has all died down and I did not do anything horribly regretful and I cannot even remember anymore how any of it felt like. So now I laugh at myself :)) But seriously, I think this is a reminder, albeit a painfully awfully funny (largely embarrassing) one, that no matter how intense something has been that we feel we won't ever get past it, we always, always do get over it in the end :)