So I died yesterday after finally acting on my decision, albeit in an often-interrupted manner and un-saved, and now I ache in inside-places I cannot even begin to describe, but after spending a greater part of yesterday's evening sobbing and sniffing, I decided I must get out of the house and get some air and try to blend in with all the normal people, and in such an unusually formal tone which I did not realize, I accepted my best friend's offer to come over and have coffee or tea someplace. I cried a bit more as I waited for my tea but I had to stop myself because I did not want people to think that I was badly in need of tea and cannot be happy without it :))
Anyway after long walks and conversations and coffees, it was time to go home at four in the morning, and I was quite terrified to be alone with my thoughts again because the thoughts and the memories were all devouring me, but everytime I found myself stopping in my tracks and Thinking Again, I recite the name of Edgar Allan Poe loud enough for me to hear, then I imagine myself reading his stories in an old library. For now that is what works for me so that I do not dwell. It is what I have been doing since last night until a few seconds ago. It is just a bit tougher when I close my eyes to sleep or to do corpse pose in yoga, and my sense of smell makes me recall certain smells and things through Phantom Scents and I have to open my eyes again and then Hear my racing heartbeat, so it was like, okay Not Funny At All.
Anyway when I woke up this morning after two whole hours of sleep, I decided to live by what Gandalf said: "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." So, okay. Even if I had more sighs throughout the day than the minutes of my sleep last night, I made a conscious effort to do un-dead things and remind myself that the inside-places-aches shall eventually heal even if now is like, you know, Hell.
And so from thoughts of my own Obituary I moved on to Organizing instead, and finally finished half of the cabinets of sewing and crafting materials, then decided to redesign some notebooks again, like what I did.... almost two years ago D:
I still had four plain notebooks left then took out some ribbons and the boxes of beads and sequins and such.
And then I worked on the notebooks :3
As I started making them I realized I wanted to make for two of my girl friends so I am giving them one each :3 I am having dinner with one of them tomorrow, and the other on Tuesday. I am going out more often now so that I can get used to people more often, plus Alone With My Thoughts is not very ideal right now :3
Doing this took most of my afternoon, so I was not able to write and paint, but it is okay because I enjoyed doing it and even if I started feeling anxious and ill again towards the evening, I gazed at the nice notebooks I made and set them aside for packaging later on, then paced around the room saying Edgar Allan Poe's name like a mantra.
As I cleaned up my working area I realized I left behind this nice glue-gun accident-thing :D
Right now is an Edgar Allan Poe mantra time again, but I need to keep it together. And I am quite grateful for the friends who are constantly in touch with me, though not all of them may know all the details and the story, but they are all as sweet and supportive nevertheless. My head hurts from the struggle with Trying Not To Think, but if I want to get some sleep then I guess I shall have to wear out Edgar Allan Poe's name *apologizes profusely* Of course the Tardis can come anytime and take me away. Far away. I won't even look back.