Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Illustrations and Realisations

I was inspired by Lynore Avery's illustration of a few of Susan Sontag's Favourite Things, that I thought I'd make a version of mine :D So far I've only just sketched the things that came off the top of my head, and I've inked the words as of this afternoon. 

I have also come to some realisations today (which are not connected to what I have just written about, but may have brought about a bit of a relapse to it). Well, I think they have been surfacing in my head since last week, but I've been trying to keep them at bay because I wanted to think that everything is Just Fine :)))) However I may have been kind of holding back on things and my own progress so I got some kind of violent shake on my shoulders during the weekend, most probably to, you know, wake me up :)) And since then, more wake-up things have been pouring in. And I am like, yeah yeah I get it. 

1. That voice. It sounded like cooing a baby. I mean, really, Identify. Discern. Listen. Cooing. Sticky. Sugary. Sweet Baby. Meanwhile, the adult / non-baby (again) that I am has to go off alone. As if anything can be done about it :) Words stopping me from doing so does not equate to actually making sure I get to my destination in one piece. Besides, those fixed rituals seem untouchable, hence I am lumped into an activity because it is, apparently, satisfying enough. Feels like high school where homeroom is great or math is great because it's The shared class :D And then, despite all those many many many many many expressions and declarations of cant-waits and miss-es and already-evaporating-coffees, I am still lumped into the few minutes within some other activity. Great, makes me feel like a bonus in a fun event. I MUST be one hell of a bonus to look forward to. Imagine those precious two to five minutes?? Fantastic. And then the Rush to the Ritual. I am glad I did not have to carry rocks on my way home once. (Omg I am surprised at how all these just poured out like that. Well, see, I tried.) Now how am I supposed to believe anything anymore? :)

Sweet Talk + Walking Home Alone = Kitten Kicked In The Face

2. Chase, and chase if you must, regardless of the outcome, just as it is all exciting and thrilling in a shiai. Chase, pursue, seek - but only and only if there is a clear intention. Otherwise, it will all just be, you know, lukewarm. Half-hearted. Half-meant. Not carefully thought of. Sort of, but not really. Kind of, but not quite. But if there is clarity, no one would be running after one thing while clutching onto another, attending to it with inexplicably unusual care. Might as well stay, and not bother with anything else. It is just like doing kiai, then not hitting because there is the ritual stop to wave at some fan in the audience. This is not pursuit. This is not a chase. There is not even any walking or running happening. Or maybe there is, but it happens in circles. And supposedly-pursued has disappeared somewhere in the horizon or may have possibly, if unfortunate, turned into a skeleton somewhere on the side. Because somehow it always has to be set aside when the moment is inconvenient. 

Kitty is half-asleep, half-awake. She can also be half-other-things, half-owned.

3. There was actually A GREAT DEAL OF CHANCE. A Very Decent Chance. But it has been missed. Requirements on Strength and Decisiveness and Discernment were a glaring F. But still, the gates are not altogether closed. IF, and I mean IF there is still any intention at all, it has to be clear that the roles must be switched. If it is apparent that one need not be scolded and is capable of taking full charge and ownership, then fine, the gates are open anyway. Fall in line again. 

Ordinary Girl does not require extraordinary things but at least make it to the minimal scenarios.

4. Appreciation is great and wonderful, and even a necessity. But there also has to be plenty of real and sincere action. Show up. Ask. Come over. Invite. Dare. Wanting to see is different from seeing. Wanting to do this and that is different from actually doing this and that. At some point, constantly hearing the same things loses its impact. Sometimes, it is even worse when moments of devastation come and suddenly control is lost and one just suddenly does not matter anymore because some other part of life collapsed and nothing else makes sense anymore. So where exactly does that place a supposedly appreciated one, right? Again, one is bright and wonderful, only on convenient times. 

Whatever was in that mug, she was free last Sunday actually. Wanting to see + being nearby = 0 event. 

5. Speaking of convenience, well it was suddenly gobbled up by # 1 as well, because omg, that sudden, unexpected surge of emotions :)) Then # 4 bit off it too. But okay, last but not least, this convenience-thing. I am not exactly thin but why am I always merely inserted into convenient spots :))) Do you have any idea how challenging it could be for chubby people like me to be Inserted into tight slots? :))))) In any case, there are Ways, see. That long Sunday ride could've merited a break or something. This or that evening could've... wait, no, Untouchable Ritual, it seems. Well, make up your mind okay. It isn't fun anymore. Nor funny. Moreover, distinguish one from the other and priorities should be straightened up. Actually everything else should be. This is effing exhausting.  

Chubby girl is chubby and does not like tight spots. 

Not that I am closing my doors; I rarely do that to anything. But as I mentioned in my previous post, either catch up naturally, or be readily available somewhere ahead. No baggages, no rings, no secrets, no other lives, no scheming associations, no flakiness, no evasive responses, no empty words, no tricky anything, no misleading words and actions, no sickeningly sweet tones for others. This applies to both parties, past and present, and basically to everyone else who wishes to try (future) and everyone else already in line (other present-s). 

PS. I am not mad. I am just exhausted and confused and perhaps frustrated :) Now I shall rest. I still have past-wounds to heal and do not want anything in the present to add to  these past-wounds and to what it has inflicted so far :) Tomorrow is a new day and another chance to make better choices, and another day away from past aches :) 

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