Wednesday, July 30, 2014

A Totally Different Context

About three months ago, I took a photo of me wearing my black-collared dress, and I totally liked how the photo turned out, despite the fact that the context in which it was taken was so unhappy for me. 

On my way to my final test of breaking patterns; quite a difficult, unhappy time.

Looking back, I realise now that it was the big final test for me to break a very bad pattern, and I am so glad I did it. Not only because I have put an end to a very unhealthy, unhappy vicious cycle, but I have made way for much better, happier things, and quite recently, wearing the same dress, I have changed my associations with it and have further immersed myself in a better, happier situation, away from the bad cycles and the futile efforts and the vile characters.

Caught off-guard; having quite a happy time :)

I may totally look like an alien here with my huge forehead and my big fangs compared to the previous Clara-esque kind-face photo, but back then I was pain-and-bad-decisions shaped into a person, and now I am happy-laughter in the shape of a person. 

Mico was taking random pictures of us and then there was this one with this happy laughing alieny woman XD Later on when we were looking at the pictures I realised that this dress (which I had not worn since that final test) is now in a much happier and better context :) 

It was one of those long-dragging things from which I learned (the hard way) that one really has to identify which patterns bring about occasions of sadness and disappointment and tremendous aches, and then break that pattern, even if little by little. I started recognising mine about a couple of years ago, and since then things have started to change since I took tiny steps to break from the pattern, although the breaking away was not immediately completed. I had yet to go through a series of more fake successes and delusional dramas, until I had progressed to the point of having to take the final step, taking which would finally set me free. It was one of the toughest things I had to actually decide and take action on, but after that I was finally away from that sad, unhealthy pattern. 

Of course it was not an instant shift to a happily ever after and there were still some rough patches I had to go through as I got over my final test and as I warily moved forward, and wearily. Eventually though, thanks to Odin and Freyja, I did find my way, shed old skin in the process, had very specific prayers answered, and now, away from the pattern that led me nowhere, I am home.

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