Saturday, July 30, 2011

90th

So Thursday was my grandmother's 90th birthday. We went over to her house for lunch. Her friends from church also came, and while they all sat around the table with cake and soda, moving slowly and trying to remember what they were about to say, everything seemed so light and cheerful. (^_^)


My beautiful niece feasted on the flowers XD



It was generally a fun and light celebration, one of the few that we have in family gatherings. Maybe it's because everyone was in a good mood and there were no soap-operatic-dramatic scenes XD My niece also brightened up the house a lot, and everyone was just relaxed and having a nice time, while my grandmother just quietly enjoyed our company. It was just the right combination of people and the mood was great.


At some point though, my niece secretly ate corn in one corner, as if in a trance.



It was the first of a series of nice parties (^_^)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

がんばります!

"...putting things in order for later, long-term use..."

Writing this phrase in an article made me think of being in our Japan office before and I was suddenly filled with inspiration and memories (both real and imagined XD) that I was able to finish my article set early XD

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Love Dishes

I knew there was a part of my dream that made my heart feel like it was going to burst. But I could not remember it.

When I turned on the faucet this morning to wash my face, I suddenly remembered:

We were in our old house, the first one I ever lived in, and he* was in the kitchen, tall, dark, and looming over me as I placed dishes in the sink. I realized he was washing them. I wondered since when had he been so involved in housework in our home.

Next thing I remember I was sweeping the floor and he was suddenly there, moving furniture around so I could sweep more easily. For a while I wondered if he remembered anything from the last time he was here in the country, and if he remembered what he might have overheard the other teacher asking me about him. I shook my head in an attempt to brush away the embarrassing thought, and continued to sweep.

Blurry scenes came next, but somewhere within those, I realized we were together. He was staying here in the country, because we were Together. I felt this strong pinch in my heart, and as I started to get excited I woke up.

There is always, always, that achey tug whenever anything is about him. whether it is a dream, a memory, or a song.


*The Journalist, K

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Pleasant Surprise XD

Another of Those Dreams. This was some time this morning.

I just finished a meal and was drinking iced water from a clear glass. Then the doorbell rang and I stepped out to check whoever was outside. I opened the gate and against the doorbell post was this Cool Chick who gave me a see-I'd-find-you kind of smile. XD

I was too stunned so I just smiled back, but I could vaguely feel Excitement Welling Up.

Suddenly she reached out with both hands towards each side of my head, and I realized I was wearing sunglasses (weird), and she was reaching out to pull them off. She said something about wanting to see my eyes or wanting to see my real reaction, which I think was about her showing up unexpectedly.

The Excitement Welling Up had morphed into Full Blown Excitement that I woke up, holding my breath and half expecting the doorbell to ring XD

Monday, July 11, 2011

Naoki: In a Black Costume


Somehow this line from a song I like sounds apt for Naoki in a black costume.


* (Cowbirds, Throwing Muses)

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Impulse. Then, Torment.

(hindi naman SOBRANG torment. konti lang. *sorcerer's gesture with the fingers*)

It's a Saturday night and I am home, because I just felt like spending some time by myself, perhaps read, or play games, or work on some crafts, or just listen to music. (My mom actually LAUGHED at me because earlier during dinner, my sister and her boyfriend were inviting me to join them for a movie marathon and I declined, saying "gusto kong mapag-isa." My mom almost SNORTED, same as my sister, because they said it sounded so old and lonely and that I am too young to be saying such things. XD I said, however, that I did not mean it in a lonely, miserable way, but that I just wanted to spend some time with my books and my blogs and my crafts and my coffee.)

And then, on IMPULSE, I did something that Somewhat Crossed my mind earlier, I'm not even sure when exactly because it was immediately dismissed by my brain.

Next thing I know I was just watching myself compose something without pause, and I realized what I was doing at the exact moment I hit the Send button.

It's not supposed to be such a biggie, but it just felt like I had to do it, otherwise, a slight discomfort would present itself, asking me what's up with my being so dead and unmoving. A part of me thinks it's all about that purple and green tag. And that Strange Elevator Memory.

In any case, all I can do now is wait, and though it may seem tormenting at times, I can always choose to make use of the Waiting Time in the best ways that I can. Like I can write more than usual for work, and busy myself with a new research and material preparation for my other job, practice kendo, and stick to weekly plans.

In the event things don't turn out well.... wait, I will not think about that for now XD That will significantly lessen the Tormenting Parts. XD

So now, I wait, and busy myself with other things that it will not even feel like a wait at all (^_^)

(^^U) It was so impulsive it's crazy.

Purple and Green Tags on Her Clothes

So I had a nice, sweet dream about someone who totally inspires me. Mixed with a little bit of anxiety, but nice and sweet nonetheless.

We practiced, and we fought in a match, and among the cluster of things on the floor and the wooden swords leaning against the wall, I would always know which ones were hers. At some point, we were like, best friends. She marveled at the thought that from now on we can do so many things together.

But sometime towards the end of the dream, I was looking for her and she was nowhere to be found. I felt a bit shaken that she may have just left and forgotten about everything. Then I found some of her things, which I recognized because they had green and purple tags, and I was reassured that she just probably went someplace, and that she will eventually return. As I fixed her things and placed them next to mine she suddenly returned with a bunch of other people, and perhaps she saw the look on my face, my momentary doubt. She smiled, kindly, and reminded me that she told me some time earlier that we are going to do plenty of things together because she's my best friend. 

Friday, July 8, 2011

Zettai Kareshi, Almost Everytime

I would not really call them recurring dreams, but for every random occasion he* surfaces in my dreams, a similar theme is in place, almost every time. At first, I would have the resistance to it, or a significant level of doubt. I would think, I did not ask for this, I do not want this, or I would say, since when has it been like this, how can something I do not really intend to happen turn out this way, and so on.

And then the last few times he surfaces in my dreams, things would just be as they usually are (at least in dream land), and I'd find myself settling into the idea (again, at least in dream land). Not just because I'm resigned to it, but because I would eventually see how much better things actually are when they turn out that way.

I don't think I wrote most of them because I just brushed them all off. But if I recount those I could vaguely remember, here are some:

From the older "series": We were in a black-tie event, and I realize I was wearing pink chore-clothes. Everyone else wore glittery dresses in pink, green, or purple. All the men, including him, were in a tux. I felt bad but I did not care much, because I was more concerned about how it came to be that we were a couple attending some event I did not even know about. Later on, we broke up, because he somewhat felt that he might not be able to sustain a relationship with someone who does not even care enough to dress up appropriately for an event. After a few scenarios of dream-weirdness, I was back in the same room where the event was held, but this time it was empty and dark. I closed the door behind me, thinking it was useless to do since about 1/3 of it was glass where people can look through. Anyway I moved on and found a mirror or painting on the same wall as the door. As I looked at it I heard his footsteps (I just knew it was him XD) and I leaned against the wall to try to hide. He peeked in and called out my name. I did not move. He said he knew I was there and that he wanted to talk to me. Still I did not move. I just felt like I wanted him to go away. I did not want to be with him anymore, especially since I did not really want him to be with me in the first place, and I felt trapped upon knowing we were apparently together already. Then he said he realized he does not care how I dressed and how I acted. He just wanted to be with me. Upon hearing that, the more I felt the resistance in me to be with him, and felt burdened by the inconvenience of having to decline or, if necessary, AVOID him. As he continued to talk about how much he wanted to see me, I decided to disappear. I made myself turn into the wall. As I became a wall, he was saying he was coming in. As things became blurry because I was becoming part of the wall, I woke up.

So the "theme in place" that I mentioned in the beginning is that we would always be together, or are on the Path to It, and I would always feel trapped because I would just find myself being in the situation already, and most of the time I would be scrambling for memories on how it all came about.

He is actually very charming, smart, funny, basically Very Brilliant and Quite Attractive. Except that while he caught my eye in real life for a short while, I just do not see him in That Way. So in the Dream Series, I am resistant to the theme not because he is not likable - in fact he is quite an Ideal Person - but it is because I'm just not into the whole thing, including him.

So another, more recent dream in the series: This dream being recent, it plays more into the Settling In Phase of myself in the dream. So we were at the beach, and it was quite late in the afternoon, and there was a party covering the entire beach. About 99.99% of the people present were the likes of His Crowd. The 0.01% is actually just me XD The scene started with us apart. I was walking around alone, in a relationship that I did not even know existed XD I was feeling kind of lost and hoping I'd run into my sister or a close friend that would make the likes of me increase to 0.02% of the crowd.

However, I noticed that some of the Really Gorgeous Girls in Skimpy Outfits around me were saying hi to me as though I belonged there, and some of them had looks that said, "congratulations, you're so lucky!" Feeling even more lost, I just smiled back and continued going around.

Eventually I found myself in a spot that opened to a spacious area by the beach front, and I headed for the small gate that led to it. I wanted to get away from the crowd and the noise and preferred to watch the sea as it got dark. However a hand was suddenly on my shoulder, and I turned to find HIM. I felt a little relieved for seeing someone I knew, but in my head he was like, One of Them, so I smiled, said hi, and walked on. He seemed surprised that I was going without him, and lightly mentioned that things are different now because we are Together. That meant I could not just go off on my own and forget there is someone with me. He did not mean it in a bad, control-freak way; it was more like he was reminding me that when we go to places together, I do not just decide to go home out of the blue, because I am no longer alone.

A subtle anxiety crept its way into me and I thought to myself why we are suddenly in some surprise relationship again, and why I had to find out about it while I was in the middle of His Crowd and Totally Away From My Comfort Zone. I was about to tell him I just wanted to spend some quiet time by the beach front, when a group of people called out to him. As he walked away, I "remembered" that this guy already has three other girls (some rumor I heard) and I told myself, I do not want to be number 4, I REFUSE to just simply be a number 4. So I headed for the beach front and decided to just break up with him after the party.

As I walked on, I looked towards where he is, and he was surrounded by gorgeously tanned girls in skimpy clothes and long curly hair, and I thought he was hunting for numbers 5, 6, 7, and so on. As I went past him, I heard them telling him how happy they are for him, that he has finally chosen the one girl to spend the rest of his life with, and that he has given up all the others. I stopped and realized they were referring to me, and I understood what the congratulations look was all about. I then heard him respond and tell them that he felt great about making the decision and that he believes he can make it all right.

I continued to walk out to the beach, and sat by the shore. It was almost dark as it was twilight, and I finally felt the peace I sought in being alone, away from the crowd. But the feeling was suddenly accompanied by a certain kind of satisfaction, security, and joy, for finding out that I was The only one chosen after all. I realized how nice it felt to be in a relationship where I can feel secure and relaxed even if the totally attractive person I am with is out there with equally attractive and gorgeous people.

So that dream ended there. And until now, especially whenever I feel unpleasant about the idea of relationships, I bring myself back to that moment alone by the shore, and try to remember how I felt, so I can invite similar kinds of pleasant emotions (^_^)

Then of course, there was last night's dream, which brought about the writing of the other couple of dreams (^^U) I thought perhaps I can try to recall them because there seems to be a pattern, though I do not what. I am sure though, that it has nothing to do with this charming person, because I just know It isn't him. He just probably represents a certain kind of person in general.

Last night's dream was much quicker and simpler than the other two. I came from a stressful meeting and I went to an unfamiliar mall to take a walk. Suddenly he was there, and told me he knew I was going to be there after that stressful meeting. He came to try to cheer me up. I then "remembered" we were together just recently, and I panicked a little about not knowing about it again, then let it go, deciding that I should be more open to such possibilities instead of shunning them away.

Later on I was feeling better, and he told me I would enjoy the stroll more if we played piggy back ride XD So I climbed onto his back and he walked, and at some point I remember we were laughing because we were having so much fun. (There were occasional moments when he would look back and Create Melty Moments *melt* And they were VIVID.)

After a while we found a McDonald's store, and went in to get some shakes from a Milkshake/Sundae Station (there should be one in real life). I got so confused about the mixtures I would put into my milkshake that I woke up XD

I admit, I felt partly disappointed it was a dream (^^U) My reasons APART FROM the milkshake station of course XD This time, instead of feeling relieved that it was all just a dream, the nice feeling I had made me feel like I lost something, and I wanted to find it as soon as possible. O_O

* an acquaintance from kendo
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