Thursday, February 28, 2013

Chews Nibbles Bites

I have been quite antsy most of the day; that, or being overcome by extreme sleepiness that a blink lasts for two whole seconds. Then when I am antsy... omg I cannot even begin to explain. *haunted and overcome* If only these calming chewables were like, the real thing.

Calming Chewables

Tonight I am going to sleep early. I hope the sleep drowns out this spellbound  state and by tomorrow morning I'd be as calm and composed as I am supposed to be. I will just draw a bit for now, an illustration in a subtle set of illustrations, until my eyelids are extremely heavy I cannot see my drawing. But I need to start drawing now. *yawns for the 920,291st time*

PS. I kind of have a sneaking suspicion that whatever I have decided to let go has decided to double its efforts and bombard me full-force, but that is just my suspicion and hopefully tomorrow I am back to my forward-moving self. Maybe it's like an initial relapse or something. Or maybe I am too physically tired (lack of sleep, running, sewing all day) that I was caught unawares by emotions I boxed up and supposedly safely tucked away. Tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day. Oh, and a new month. *slightly resistant*

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Bittersweet

I think it is starting. For real. Getting past this. Because it is happening in a calmer albeit sad and bittersweet manner. It was triggered by feeling like talking to a dead person. Or a rock. And my sister helped put some sense into my head. It is time to stop, and now, I do not Just KNOW it. I also FEEL that it is time. Time to let go. Bittersweet, but it is Time. The time I have been praying for to come, but which I have also been hesitant to approach because it would mean saying goodbye to all of it. But then again, it is time, and now it Just Feels Right to keep on walking, and it is all bittersweet, but I have also grown calm. I have seen that it cannot always be like this, so it is time to move forward. 

Now, I can look at its end with fortitude and calmness. 

I still am happy about the way things turned out, but I think it just had to be this way first, before I move on.  Things have layered on so many times in a complicated manner and they may have or may have not all sorted themselves out, but from there I guess I am supposed to move forward. 

Monday, February 25, 2013

:3

Noodle-san asked me to punch his arm Saturday and I did and he said it hurt and on the way home he said it still hurt and this afternoon I kind of asked how it was and he said for some reason it still hurts. 

Gomen ne :3

Noodle Doodle

:D

Yes that is one of them short somewhat insane laughters that came from I-am-not-sure-what, but I am sure it had something to do with the title, though I do not really think it is That Funny. Must be the endorphins trying so hard to cheer me up because I have been having a dull headache with occasional droning aches since Saturday night.

Speaking of Saturday night, there was dinner after kendo and my hands were itching to draw something so I drew Noodle-san who was seated across me.

It's a poor doodle I know but I just had to Do Something

I had a pencil because I used it to hold my hair up in a bun, but I had no paper with me and there was the reliable tissue paper.

Sunday was spent working (in the morning), buying some art supplies (early afternoon), and watching all of My Mad Fat Diary (rest of the day, while snacking not bingeing). It was, OMG, like watching my mad, fat self. Even the way we slouch and walk and jiggle about (normally called "move about" when applied to other people) are eerily similar. Her thoughts about people and life and things and herself pretty much echoed so much of mine. Especially about Not Being a Girl. And hearing Kester say that the boys decide who is girly and who isn't was like being run down by cars, the last of which has a broken something. Anyway, it is not like everything just perpetuated all these awful feelings (that aren't there All The Time anyway). I was reminded of the good things despite some harsh realities and I also wish I had a Kester to put some sense or logic into my brain every now and then. There was also a good dose of reminders to consider and take a look at what others might be going through and how they might be dealing, especially mums and girl friends. Also, I realize I am not alone in thinking the same sort of thoughts and feeling the same kinds of feelings Rae did (so it means I am not completely insane or weird) :D But most importantly, there is hope of Finding a Finn or Being Found by a Finn. Now THAT was awesome. (I still find the face and the eyeglasses of Archie MOST Adorable though. There is something about the hair and the glasses that kind of tip me over to Sweet Madness.) 

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Stunned

*stunned* Now only if that went both ways :D Well, that is, if he finds interest in speechless fluffy pillows.
A stunning person. Hair, So Beautiful. Never seen a shirt look more than perfect on a person. Shoes, rad. Voice, dreamy. Able to converse so well. Eats heartily. And all of this introverted girl's Wit and Composure FLEW OUT THE WINDOW OMG *looks through spyglass* Oh my, I CANNOT even see a tiny bit of wit nor composure through it. Moreover, she was wearing an ill-fitting pillowcase. Really. 

Talk

This was born from a wish, a prayer, though it was the dyslexic version made true. (No pulling involved though. It was more like a virtual feline nudge. Think miaowing cat nudging with its soft round head.) I am very grateful though, and I like the Avalanche of Long-time Questions. 


In any case I have made a promise not to snag, and instead just shimmer independently. To shine, but not to be intoxicated. Love, but never overwhelm with large doses of what I am. Most likely to pause, to adore, but never for too long, and instead carry on with my own journey. And, instead of waiting for it to pass as I have always done,  I shall instead go on, move forward, until I get far enough, safely tucked away. 

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Outdoorsy

I have been back to painting on rocks, and I know it's been a long time, but now suddenly I feel like painting on almost everything I see. Hell I'd even paint on a cat. Oh but maybe if I want to suffer scratch wounds all over. Nnnnnot my kind of pain. Okay so moving on, *listening to Bjork, and it's particularly Hyperballad now, and so omg I am In Love* I painted on rocks again last week, and only got around to first-layer-varnishing them yesterday.

Waiting to be varnished

Today they'll get their second coating and then out they go as gifts and/or merchandise :) Photos to be posted in my Rock Art page :3 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Big Love, Big Turtle

I drew this for Michelle, a lovely friend of mine who lives so far away now. When she was here, we only spent a few times together, but they were all super fun (sometimes funny like scrambling towards a door, running from an imagined ghost). Now, we only get in touch once in a while but we know that every message or Facebook Like is a sincere gesture and that every moment shared virtually strengthens the connection we have. 

Lovely Mornings

Initially the image that came to my head was only of her and her husband, surrounded by the beach, but eventually the baby buggy and the big turtle came into mind. The big turtle was born from a few photos she posted in Facebook where there was a very huge turtle on the grass and at first I thought it was some kind of stone sculpture, but apparently it was real :D 

While this illustration shows what a pleasant morning it is to be with her, I also send out my warmest and sincerest wishes to her that all her mornings be lovely, and that the people who matter to her always find their mornings even lovelier because she is in them. 

Suspicious Sketches

Another one of those SketchBook Copic sketches. I am clearly not used to it :D

Suspicious Experiments

I still prefer drawing and painting by hand, but every now and then I think it is fun and interesting to make and look at something digital :3

Doodles

As I have been practising how to draw some characters, I copied this darling who has become the star of all the other doodles.


I shall no longer go about explaining every Weird element on the page XD It is worthy to mention though, that dark beer IS love and that coffee is a magic drink in that it disappears without you noticing it - which just happened to me now. My delicious mug of coffee was just, gone, just like that. Okay this brings me to another train of thought but I shall leave it at that XD 

Last night I was able to sleep early, or lemme correct myself - I was able to go to bed early :3 I had to rest as early as 9:30 because since Monday I have been running in the mornings again, which means I would need to get up before sunrise (sunrise nowadays is around 6:23 AM), and the nights before last night I have been sleeping late, hence yesterday I felt like a giant eyebag, all heavy and puffy and tired. However I qualified what being in bed means, because I was only able to actually fall asleep after an hour, because I still listened to some music and heaved a million sighs :D 

Today is another day and outside the weather is SO lovely, all sunny and windy, and it's pretty quiet for a regular working day. I plan to take care of some of our merchandise before I make anything to add, and I also intend to work on some clay again. That is, if I don't get the compulsion to draw again XD Lately all I've been wanting is to draw and I cannot stop. It's been like that since the start of the year but especially lately when I see my sketchbooks and paint I get all excited. It also quite relaxes me, drawing and painting. It quiets me down. It frees my mind. It reminds me to keep going. 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Gloom Girl

I have been practising how to draw some characters so apart from making an illustration of Saturday night, I decided to draw my sister surrounded by the things that she needs to fulfill her quests. (Wow that sounded real.)

Inspired by Castleville, its Gloom Wolf, and its Quest Items (as illustrated) :D 

I do not know why but I particularly like the Scrub Brush. It is perfect for removing dirt and grime. Oh I need cleansing myself, I have not been exactly exemplary lately. 

Saturday Sundae

I did not go to kendo Saturday because there were things I had to take care of, but since Aya and I had agreed to have dinner that Saturday on the previous Saturday (so many Saturdays oh there's another one), I told her we can just meet up at my sister's place after she does kendo and then all three of us can have dinner and desserts together (^_^) It turned out to be a totally cheerful and fun evening I decided to draw us :D 

Aya from kendo, yours truly in neko mode, my sister all HOPPY on a sundae night :3

Friday, February 15, 2013

Valentine's Day

Because it was Valentine's Day yesterday, I put together some old pieces that have some kind of Love theme. I did this over a week before Valentine's Day so the newer ones which also speak of love were no longer included. Besides these are just a few selected pieces since I do not want the images to be too small and the collage too cluttered.


Valentine's Day is also my sister's birthday, so Wednesday evening, I went over to her place, bringing my gift so she could open it by midnight, then we stepped out so I could treat her to sandwiches, donuts, and coffee. Then for the rest of the evening we ate some more, watched Supernatural episodes, ate, talked, ate, and then went to sleep around 3 in the morning. By 8 am we were up and about, then stepped out for some McDonald's breakfast. 


After breakfast over conversations about Turning Back Time, college courses, married people, single people, possible reasons why single people are still single, what makes certain marriages work, and what makes certain marriages strained and unhappy, we went back up to her place where I got lost in Skyrim so I had no idea what she was doing for the rest of the morning. Before noon, we walked to where I live because our parents prepared lunch for my sister's birthday, and so she could open the rest of her many gifts from different people. 

After about an hour, we went over to my grandma's to visit her. She is actually ill but she still managed to smile for the camera. I hope she gets well soon, and as of this moment my mom is with her to take care of her.


My sister said I kind of look like The Natalie of Love, Actually's Prime Minister :D (Oooh you called her chubby~) Now if there were someone as remarkable as that Prime Minister to knock on my door hahaha! I promise not to march down the stairs effing looking for my effing coat XD 

The rest of the afternoon was spent with Sam and Dean, coffee, chocolate, and naps. While again, I did not get a bison for Valentine's this year, I got loads of Korean loot :3 


In the evening, dinner was Chinese food, and I think I drank wayyy too much oolong tea that I did not get to eat much. And I was starting to get sleepy since I hardly slept the night before, and the weather was so warm although I still think it's lovely, because it feels so summery already. 

I got home later on and an otherwise perfect Valentine's Day was temporarily bulldozed by... something that upset me so much. *edited* :D 

This then gave way to an illustration inspired by Senjougahara Hitagi. 


By the time I finished it, my Valentine's Day went back to its happy, composed state :D So I climbed to bed and decided to finally re-start (really, finally, for the nth time) my Crisis Core game :3 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Fate, Faith

So I managed to finish the illustration I started the other day. I realize it's my biggest one. Most of the others are postcard-sized or roughly 9.5" x 7.25". This one is 14.5" x 9.5" and while it really isn't that big, it IS the biggest I have made so far :D


The general atmosphere and arrangement was inspired by Kafuka Fuura and it made me think of calmness and optimism and of course the fortitude I need an abundance of, and I called it Fate, Faith not only because of that but also because it KIND OF/MILDLY makes me think of another heartfelt Senjougahara line: Basically, me killing you means that the closest to you when you die will be me. Isn't that romantic? (Omg I haven't been in tsundere mode in a long time. On a lighter note, my Chiri-chan orientation has been that Outside of the Infirmary.) 

Yesterday I was overly inexplicably unusually lethargic and I suspect it has to do with weaning myself away and getting used to the sobriety. Sober is good, but it does have a melancholic effect after a phase of sparkling intoxication. It's still great though, because I can feel myself snapping awake from it all. Moreover, I think he has chosen to continue drifting away. I think he only becomes Mildly Interested when he feels something has to do with him, but otherwise, he is clearly no longer curious/concerned/connected with me, for reasons that still kind of puzzle me until now, but which he never talked about or clarified at all, which is also pointless for me to even try to find out and understand. He has chosen to Suddenly Shift and Disappear, and I can only deal with it. 

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Mellow

I spent a great deal of my Sunday getting started finally on working my way out of some intense but fruitless phase, and I thought I was doing nicely albeit with difficulty, so I got myself a little something to add to the comfort, while consciously and actively shunning any thoughts that would lead to him

My favorites from the bunch

Of course the bulk of the emotions is still there, and while I cannot do anything about it, I can still manage what I do ABOUT it. Occasionally I would indulge myself a bit but through writing or painting about it, but whenever I catch myself about to just stop and think about it, I move on to Other Things That Matter. It requires great effort, but I just cannot feel bad about it anymore. If he decides to just disappear on me like that, then there is no use trying to "win" him back, especially if he forgets so many things so easily. Omg maybe he forgot who I am or what kind of nice warm friendship we actually have! D: Haha. (Oh can't he just forget aggressive, forward, potentially-insane blatant-message senders instead!)

Anyway I get this thing out of my system just by making something productive out of it, while quickly moving forward when I find myself settling in with any thought that does not really get me anywhere :D (As a result, my insomnia for the past two weeks seems to have come to an end, and Sunday night I was able to Feel Sleepy by 11:30, and I was asleep by 12:30, as opposed to the recent usual 4 AM :D) Yesterday I made this illustration which to me basically expresses how currently, at the end of the day, a big part of me has this huge tendency to succumb to A Death By Him, although of course I trust I will crawl out of it in time. 

Ah the death of me. But I trust I shall manage to crawl out of it and leave him behind, my emotions left behind too. 

I was playing music in a random order and towards the end of coloring, Her Most Beautiful Eyes from a Rurouni Kenshin soundtrack came on, and I heaved about a million sighs. 

In the afternoon a handful of Hershey's chocolate kisses lifted my spirits up a bit, and my student made me laugh so much, that I started on another illustration. Well it IS still born from whatever I have about He-Who-Suddenly-Changed *apologizes profusely* (omg here I go again with my profuse apologies) and it came from one of those  quiet, bittersweet moments when I just mellow down and endure it all with Fortitude. (If I were a game character my Fortitude would be an immediate 100.) 

Exhibiting fortitude, keeping the faith.

I was not able to finish it though because later on my sister came over and we had a Harvey-Specter-Daryl-Dixon-Sammy-Winchester-fest. Then again, I felt immediately sleepy after she left so I had no problems sleeping at all :D I also woke up quite early today, and I would like to think of it as a good sign, apart from it being a signal that the seasons are shifting. Once I get back to naturally waking up at 6, I shall immediately go back to my Running Mornings :3 Hopefully too, the lump on my arm continues to heal (it is much smaller now) so that I can get back to regular kendo practice. I have been skipping weekday practices and last Saturday I joined the beginners' class since I could not risk it. I realize I should've let it rest the moment my arm grew a lump, instead of still playing almost every other day for three more sessions. On the other hand, I think that had to happen so that as I now wean myself (again; sorry) I do not have to see him as much :3 

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Senjougahara Syndrome

Some words by Senjougahara Hitagi which kind of made me stop and think if it was she or I speaking.

"But don't worry. I don't really feel I owe you something that big. Because you love to help others. But even if the person being helped wasn't me, even if, from the side, I watched you help the others, I would still have developed special feelings for you. Well, though I seem to have said this before, I find talking to you to be fun. That's all. That's why I hope to speak more with you. How do I put it...? Maybe it's because I've taken a liking to you. How about you think of it like this: A psychotic girl, starved for love and likely to fall for anyone who would be a little nice to her, has set her eyes on you. You are really unlucky. Blame it on your habitual actions." 


The Last Straw

Okay, wait. The title "The Last Straw" SUDDENLY made me think of an illustration last year I called The Swallower of Sins, but no, it isn't about that. Oh but wait, maybe it does have something to do with that, and really, it IS the last straw. And I am then throwing it away albeit my knuckles turning white from gripping it so tightly but alright I am putting on my Determined Ponyo Face Walking On The Water as I throw the straw away and walk away from this.  

This. 

This thing that started with an inexplicable intensity. I have to walk away from it now, really. Well, I should've walked away before but I kind of stuck around and let it morph and evolve but now I really have to. And to do that I would have to explain this week's illustrations and then just let it all go. (Wow I just made that sound SO easy gah. But really, I am keeping away this time because I am not really in a hit-me-hurt-me mode, at least not in a good way wt)

It all started Sunday (I know, the post in the link is dated Monday but I started writing it Sunday night, cat exploding).  

After what had been seeming to be a friendship/connection that Just Keeps Getting Better and Closer, the said friendship/connection that is drawing me in more and more each time suddenly came to a HALT. 

There seemed to be some kind of Glitch sometime on the latter part of last week, but it was made all right by last weekend, or at least by that Saturday, but as of the Sunday after that, I just knew it and felt it - Something Changed. 

I have wondered, whom has he become, like maybe the same guy who lost a woman's Hut Number shape-shifted and took his place and now does not seem to know me, or maybe yes, it was Someone Else, and the intensity I have in me for him is the intensity (I bet mine is more sparkly and vibrant though) he has for Her. Sometimes I cannot bear it and I am more like the evil-eye shadow than myself. The claws are awesome though. Very useful for swiping people away, sharply, from this world. But then again I would prefer if I removed whichever part of my brain or consciousness or heart contains elements of him, so that I will feel Nothing for him. 

I sound insane just saying it, and I have no proof, but as with some things people sense, just right from their dan tien, we all Just Know

And in the days after that Sunday, I lived each day knowing Something Really Has Changed. 

I keep doing my best to adjust to it though, each day. I focused on things that have less to do with him, like being a kyoushi and appreciating the people who actually take the time to check out and appreciate my art and really subscribe to anything I put out there, which he has been less of, since Whatever/Whoever this thing/aggressive person  has affected him.

And I can't quite put my finger into it. I tried to figure out if it was a blog post or a choice not to disclose something or was it something I did, something I said, or was it Someone Else

It pained me that he just, you know, suddenly Slipped Away :D It is not really my idea of Fun. Of Torment, yes, Fun, no. But I had to endure it, staying in place, in no place to make demands, full of questions I shouldn't be asking or couldn't possibly ask.  

Not that I AM Someone in order for anyone to be a Someone Else, but you see, well, I make about 29,927 wishes out of this.  

And so the Change took place. Suddenly he was just So Distant. It could be conscious or unconscious on his part, but regardless, there is suddenly this wall and I am more of the stranger, not him. And you see you don't really pay attention to strangers. And with this wall, I am the one on the outside. 

Okay this isn't really an illustration :D It was something inspired by Akiyuki Shinbo and it just came to me when I opened my eyes yesterday morning after another musical insomnia. Although I facetiously call it my Beautiful Face Photo, I think it perfectly illustrates how I feel the Shift has turned me into this. A generic stranger you barely even see at all. Hardly interesting. Artworks hardly worth looking at and blog posts now hardly worth reading anymore. Irrelevant. Some girl. Worse, just some person. 

I tried to ask but everything that came from him was dismissive, curt. It is always better not to push or insist. So I was practically Scraping for what's left in my rusty vault of Fortitude. I suddenly felt so Orphaned. 

I would've preferred this look to be a form of Relief, hence I called it that, though this is really more like a pained silence and loss (in more ways than one).

Then yesterday, and last night, I saw it. Or rather, I saw Nothing. Maybe I did see something but it isn't for me. It was NEVER for me. And whatever Last Vestiges of Before were there, there were quickly melting away. He has driven forward without me and while I have to move forward too, I have to go in a different direction. Not backwards, but just, Away. 

It is quite unfortunate I felt and feel this way about him, but I have to wait with Great Fortitude until this passes. And I hope it passes really soon. I mean really, like maybe, 16 seconds from now? :D Seriously, I feel crushed. 

There have been nights after nights of (musical) insomnia, and my mind had been racing than ever. Although run-on sentences are part of my daily speech, the recent ones are levels higher that I thought I could almost hear them and see them growing their own heads and bodies. However, now it is time to rein them. I am fatigued, and I have a long way to go, on foot. I cannot let them take over and always, always try to catch up to him, because by the time my run-on sentence herd manages to, he always accelerates and god, I am tired, and he shows no promise of rest, or won't even stop over for a beverage anymore. 

But I shall keep moving forward, knowing this surely has its purpose, though right now it just looks like a pile of... Something That's Otherwise. 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

What Today Has Been Like

Throwing Muses, Mazzy Star, The Cardigans, Liz Phair, and Metric have been among my singing companions. 

I sound horrible (really) but I decided that today, I shall do whatever makes me feel most alive and joyful. And so I decided to paint and sing (for lack of a better word) all day. Add Fiona Apple to the list. 

The Kiss-chup piece was among those I did today, but there are some yet to be posted. Oh, and there was The Sundays too. Naturally I just Grunted along. 

I am trying my best not to be Puzzled, really. Add Sonic Youth. 

I took out all sketchbooks so I can let a finished one dry and immediately begin another one. In the process I discovered others, both papers and unfiled pieces. Right now many of them are kind of napping on my bed. 


Asobi Seksu, Tommy Heavenly6,  and Younha. Sometimes a line from Jonathan Stroud's Bartimaeus book: "Oh can't you have mercy, you hateful boy!" echoes inside. But mostly it is music, and then of course there is PORTISHEAD.  ♬ Sometimes I pause and write frantically in an Evernote notebook where I write down my thoughts. 

Bjork, take my hand and walk me forward, then we can be spectacular together. *shimmers* 

Then of course Late Night Alumni is my late night companion. 

Ketchup and Kissing

I remember waking up this morning to my throbbing hand and arm (kendo injury from last week, aggravated by Continuing to Play in Three More Practices Despite the Pain, so now I have to rest or Risk Losing Whole Limb), last vestiges of my dream barely scraping my consciousness. 


All I remember was having to get a bottle of ketchup (ketchup, of all things) from someplace, and right before I opened my eyes to wake up to a very opposite reality, I remember a Vivid Kiss, and I was even trying to pull back in order to see if it was really him, but fortunately before I ruined the moment by doing that silly thing I woke up. *mildly moped* :D

New Earphones...

... that remind me of my stationery and sticker collections during my childhood.


I was going to get Apple Earpods but it turns out they are only compatible with very specific models of iPod Shuffles so I went to get from Sony instead. Eventually I will get myself a new iPod shuffle so I won't have problems looking for the appropriate earpods and anything else I need to connect to it. Meanwhile I am finding my new earphones quite adorable and i even love the hearts. 


See they're so cute they even match the beads I was wearing when I went to buy :3 I went with my sister, and I also bought a book for my student along with a couple of other things I need for painting. As we walked we came across this fish-and-chips place with a chalkboard wall where people are allowed to draw, so while my sister got her fill of fish and chips I followed my compulsion to draw. There were random fish drawings so I decided to draw someone with a thought bubble that led to the nearest fish, to make it look as though he were thinking of fish, in order to make my character relevant to the food place XD 

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Bison, Balloons, Bidding Goodbye

So as I mentioned in my previous post, recent Cat Explosions brought about some artwork, particularly on the wee hours of Saturday. 


Here, Where EVERYONE Cares - a creepy yet pleasant situation of being adored so much he kind of Sweetly Stalks you. And the bison had to be there. Bisons, wanted since 2010. Perhaps it is all wishful thinking. 


A celebration of finding and being found. Finding the way, finding the right piece in order to move forward. Being found, the hand being taken in order to move forward together. 


Eventually, I grew a bit sleepy, only to be perplexed again by something at three in the morning, so I stopped coloring and talked to a friend over the phone. After that I felt a bit better, and suddenly felt relaxed, that I started to become really sleepy and suddenly Extremely Exhausted. Hence the ghostly dancing onigiri in an unfinished piece I was going to call Sayounara. 


However, I still ended up sleeping at some time between five and six am of Saturday. I had to cheer myself on to just climb to bed and SLEEP. When I woke up around 10 am, I immediately proceeded to coloring Sayounara. I think it would be nice to just get away. To where his spirit will not be able to resound in my heart, loud enough to wake me and keep me awake and render me restless. 

Monday, February 4, 2013

Smile

As Neil Gaiman said, "Cat exploded? Make art." 

I've had quite a number of "cat explosions" and recently I'd draw and paint them away. Friday night I was attacked my Pangs of Paranoia and I ended up sleeping just a little before 6 AM on Saturday morning. (Painted illustrations to be posted next time ^^) On the other hand, Saturday turned out much better than I expected and for a few glorious moments in the evening I felt like a real girl (I sound like a female version of Pinocchio wt) and I loved every minute of it, but only to find a Sunday that rubbed in something I've been beefing about. Basically some song I came across (a theme from Aika Zero) catches some of it:

"I don't like hiding things, but I won't show my pain. My body was made to live strongly, but I want you to say it's cute."

Okay maybe I am not really after the cute part XD But there is just a whole planet of difference between, omg I do not want to get myself started on how everyone else becomes a cute fluffy ball of pink cotton next to the sizable sturdy boy that I am, and hence they get the sweet endearing tones and I get the gruff voices. 

Anyway since I was pretty antsy for most of the afternoon, I decided to resort to another kind of art for this Cat Explosion episode. It was Time for Clay. 

Deciding on the amount of clay to be taken from my first slab

I've had the ingredients for quite some time, for making the clay. I want to make my own clay and THEN make things with the clay. After a long time, I finally made clay last Wednesday, then I let it sit all weekend. When I put the slab away to let it sit, I was thinking of making small plate-like containers with crown marks, but as I eyed the slab today it made me think: MOOK. 

Fancying a  Black Lollipop. 

The idea of a mook came from ilovegreyskies' etsy store. This lovely store makes and sells mooks, and I particularly loved the Wolfy Mook. It tugged at my heart while LOOKING up at me. And since I was also feeling a bit achey, I wanted to make something that would make me smile. A mook was perfect. 

Playing the role of Horror Movie Dentist, backwards

I just created one my own way, experimenting on my first slab of homemade clay. The most challenging part was attaching the fangs. 

Oh, that smile, it was like an infant's first bawl. 

Eventually, I managed to finish it. It is still quite rough on the edges, but it's my first clay baby and I am happy with it. 

A finished mook, smiling and ready to greet the world

It is not your typical girly doll to make and to keep, but I figured that while Making it and Loving it makes me Different, the Odd One, it also sets apart the man who will truly get past that. Sometimes, it does not just stop at Not Having Issues about my oddness; it is about Appreciating it and Still Seeing the Girly, Frilly, Excitable Girl (who just happens to be packed with boyishness, fortitude, and bruises) who just happened to be a bit weird. It is about Wanting to Get to Know in the First Place hence discovering that it is not always all about the other typical girls with their girly demeanor and apparent delicateness and childish sweetness nor is it always about oneself (think Carly Simon's You're So Vain). 

The mook is resting. Happily. 

And then it will make a whole lot of difference when one knows, she loves you. 

But then again if you don't love the girl back, don't play her. If you do, tell her. Either way, be nice. 

Friday, February 1, 2013

Oh Hello February

A cross between a Chinese New Year and Valentine outdoor lounge, created via Farmville 2, which I have quit :3

It is the start of another month, still quite early into 2013, hence I think some additional resolutions can still make it just in time for making the rest of the year, uhm, better :D I resolve to snap out of the virtual purrs and the absurdities in my head, and keep my eyes on doing things that need to be done, much like Chiri-chan (outside of the infirmary). 
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