Saturday, September 28, 2013

Delirious, On The Way To Being

I drew this a few days ago and only got around to coloring (just) the background today, as I still need to do other things, but have this compelling need to at least paint some. 

Thursday, September 26, 2013


My sudden plan earlier today to step out and sit somewhere with coffee and a book and my journal pushed through, and after running some errands with my bag full of essentials (money for coffee, my journal, two pens, an inspiring book, iPod), I found myself on an outdoor table at a place just a few minutes' walk from the house, drinking iced coffee and breathing in the suddenly pleasant afternoon. I immediately felt it was a great idea to step out upon feeling the brightness of the day on my face, and hearing the busy-ness of the day going on around me. 

Despite bringing my essential things for that moment, I decided to just sit for a while and watch things and people and time and the world and life go by while drinking my coffee. However something compelled me to at least take out the book I brought. I had a tough time deciding which one to bring for this walk, and my sister suggested I bring Prayers to the Great Creator by Julia Cameron which she said helped her a lot as she was going through a tough time recently. I'm not big into verbal or recited prayers, but I took it along anyway, because I took a peek and some pages I read had all these inspiring affirmations which I think I needed at this phase, especially after last night's insanity

So I sat there drinking coffee and watching the cars go by, and I thought that instead of writing out the tumultuous commotion in my head, I might as well do some Listening instead of (written) Talking. So I took out the book and read particular affirmations with words or phrases that seemed to jump out at me. 

After that I ended up writing about four pages of that moment with all its thoughts pouring out of me. I just wrote the same way I would write the Pages, coming from all directions and meeting on a single line, without any plan to find a solution but carving onto paper a space for the solution to manifest itself, among all that verbal rubble. I wrote about that exact moment I sat there and what brought me there, until I was immersed into it and I was freely writing down my fears and apprehensions about many possibilities, some of which I could not find it in me to accept, while at the same time I was writing about knowing my own strength and how I would be able to stand up and keep going, just like how I have always done. And then next was line after line of my sincerest affections, until I reached a sudden blank, and I took a break by looking at the nearby plants. 

Then suddenly, a thought, which I wrote at length, but which I would simplify here: I would like to know how things shall unfold, but I wouldn't until they do, right, so might as well Enjoy any given moment while it is there, Make the Most out of it, and Be the Best that I can be while I am at it. Regardless of how things turn out, taking these three key courses of action will ensure that I come out wiser, stronger, and better than ever before, and I won't crawl out of it regretting how I behaved towards or dealt with things, or feeling like I didn't do well enough considering I already know how I am supposed to deal with such things. More important then, than how things unfold, is how I evolve in the situation, regardless of its outcome. 

Sleepless and Scattered

I feel as scattered as these mixed up sequins and beads.

It is one of those times when I wish that the Tardis comes to where I am and the Doctor takes me away,  or that I find a mysterious path at the back of my closet, and I would willingly go in. 

I came from a barely slept night. As I wrote in this morning's Pages, last night was like a storm, and the first part of my sleep-attempt was the worst of it. The anxiety pounding in my heart was like the loudest, cruelest claps of thunder, and my very shallow breathing was like the incessant pouring of heavy, white rain. A couple of hours into the worst of this internal storm, I started feeling somewhat sleepy, and I fell into a series of unnerving scenarios in my dreams. 

I awoke a little past two a.m. and I tried breathing to drive away the anxiety, but how everything inside just rumbled and tugged at everything else. I was awake for another couple of hours or so, and only fell asleep a short while before my alarm went off. 

Now I am as good as a cast for The Walking Dead. As a walker, only less bloody. 

See, I don't like this kind of feeling or anxiety. I mean I may enjoy other kinds of pain but not this kind of pain and discomfort arising from anxiety and uncertainty. I have been trying to figure out how to be a calm bunny and just, you know, flow and progress. This just came about some time Tuesday night and then morphed into some kind of monster yesterday. In any case, I need to gather me up so later I shall step out and sit somewhere with coffee and a nice companion book and my journal for anything that pours out, while I watch the time and the world go by, and be back in time for work. 

Monday, September 23, 2013

These Arms

And so last night, I finished the partial illustration from the previous post.

These Arms, To Reach You
It's been raining since yesterday, and this morning, I did wake up at the sound of my alarm, but something about the weather sort of beckoned me back to bed. I woke up again four hours later, which then led me to some Great Realizations about certain things, and I think I have just received a dose of motivation to move on from this place and phase. 

Friday, September 20, 2013

Reaching In Progress

My, that can mean many things XD

Anyway, I need to move on to doing other things, but thankfully I found some time to draw an idea of wanting to reach out. 

Suddenly, It Is Friday

Spent a great deal of this week painting and rearranging and carrying furniture and things in the house. It can be quite fun, but right now I feel it has somehow stretched a bit longer than expected and I am getting exhausted ^^U I guess the fatigue is also due to the unease of not being able to stick to my planned to dos for each day. I have to adjust my time, and when there are small pockets of time free for random things, I find that they are not enough for me to do what I would really intend to do at those hours. I did not even make it to any weekday kendo practice this week. I also find myself sleeping later than usual, due to extended home activities and most of the time this week I just felt like wanting to sleep for two days straight. Hopefully, starting today, my schedule would be better. I realize I cannot allow myself to be swept by the current of other people's schedules, especially if it entails anything that prevents me from maximizing the time I have. Maybe all these sudden, slightly dismayed thoughts about my hours spring from the realization that it is already a Friday, and all I can remember from the past week is exhaustion and hardly any output from my personal to dos, or, let me rephrase that, no output from my personal to dos. It would not have been bad at all if the whole week was purely devoted to continuous work and home activities, in which case everything would have significantly progressed by now and I'd even have time to spare for intended to dos, rather than have pockets of "free time" that really does not go to anything much. Maybe it is also frustrating for me because I always, each day, always, try to make efficient use of my waking hours, attending to my needs and adjusting to those of others, and then get enough sleep, and yet because of certain circumstances, I am trapped under a slightly chaotic way of things, and I am hardly able to make efficient use of the hours for each day. In any case I think I need to do something about this soon, because I think I have reached my boundaries and sometimes it almost feel like I am screaming inside. 

In other news, the cat has moved in with us, and in less than 24 hours he has adjusted and is already examining his new kingdom. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2013


I made myself get out of bed early today, just as with my usual, normal schedule, despite having slept really late last night, partly due to insomnia and partly due to some recent changes in my daily routine, though these changes are just temporary. Explanation coming, I promise XD So, our list

First, on Bloody Fingers. 

So over a week ago I had been quite antsy, and then late last week I reached a point when the inexplicable anxiety somehow immobilized me, and I found myself needing to do something that will make me see some kind of immediate change, so I grabbed the scissors and cut my hair, as you may well have seen in the previous post. From certain angles though, when I tie my hair back in a ponytail I kind of remind me of a schoolboy. 

So where does the bloody finger come in - I did this experimental hair-cutting while being dreadfully sleepy, and as I held my bangs between my fingers, cutting away with my other hand, I happened to also cut through my fingers, and naturally, I was suddenly fully awake, but also freaking bleeding at the finger. I think it was worth it though, because I finally managed to get the right kind of bangs I wanted, which no salon could ever give me, and even if I occasionally looked like a boy, well, I feel.. handsome. 

Amazingly, after seeing new hair on my head and feeling a bit new, the anxiety grew less. Of course it is not just because I needed new hair, but it kind of marked a point when it was About Time I snap out of my anxious phase, and just face a sensed imminent change head on. (I STILL do not know what this change is. Maybe it IS already happening but then again I do not for sure right now. Maybe I shall know when I look back at now weeks from now and go, oh, so it's that.)

Second: A Different Room. 

There have been some changes and repairs being done in the house, so I had to move to a different bedroom. The process has been quite sudden and gradual at the same time, which I guess added to the perceived changes, since I guess there have been shifts in routines and flows of energies as well, and then it all kind of joined together in one bigger swirl, sweeping at things around it. So anyway by Saturday morning, I find myself waking up in a different room, not within the usual green walls, and surrounded by piles of things and boxes that have yet to be sorted out and organized and assigned to their appropriate places. 

Third, a Seafoam Sunday.

Sunday was spent painting walls and mouldings and touching up. 

Apart from painting we moved a lot of things and furniture around, and it was all quite tiring, but it was also quite fun. Since my sister was also here and the whole family was working together, meal times became longer and bed times came later. Hence my late nights. But we are all quite enjoying ourselves. I have also been constantly more often in touch with a new friend and some of our exchanges are sparkly highlights of my day. 

All bedroom walls were finished by Sunday night, and I only had to do some touch-ups as of yesterday. It was pleasant waking up on a Monday morning to new, bright colors. 

As I did the touch-ups, I discovered a bug trapped on its back against the wall, stuck there because of the paint. It had been there overnight, but it was still alive. I took it out, and played with it for a bit before letting it out the balcony, and I realize it already has a new "design" on its back. 

Later we shall go out and get some more paint, this time for the downstairs areas. Meanwhile I think I will need to close my eyes for a bit. 

Monday, September 16, 2013

A Whirlwind Weekend

Clearly, I have been quite busy, what with having sort of disappeared after claiming to be calmed down by books

Yes, I have been antsy, because I feel like a major head-spinning change is at hand, though I am not sure what, but I sometimes sense these things, see, albeit very vaguely. It's all the anxiety that kind of nudges. But it's not the unnerving state of uneasiness that caused me to disappear, but, well, okay. 

I still cannot write fully now, as I have a bed time to catch, oh wait, that was three hours ago. 

What I have here, ladies and gentlemen and angels, are snippets of what I will soon be sharing about. Lemme see, I am starting to feel ill with fatigue so for now it's basically these three:

1. A Bloody Finger

Nothing bloody and no fingers here but I promise the coming-soon-post is totally related. 

2. Suddenly, Waking Up In A Different Room 

It was quite sudden really, the different room, not the waking up, that would make me feel ill, yes. (Mind you, those are my shinai not someone else's)

3. Seafoam Sunday

Been painting, really, but in a totally different context.

So those are snippets of a post that I hope I'll be sharing soon. Meanwhile I NEED to get some sleep, and to continue to be Brave for what each day will bring. 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Books, and I Am Calm

The sight of books excites me, but the books calm me down when they are in my hands, when I open and smell them, and when I read them, they ground me. 

During the weekend, my sister took me out for some book shopping, and she allowed me to choose some books I would like, and she bought them for me 

The Nicomachean Ethics reminded me of my college Philosophy classes and a recent conversation I had with one of my students about Aristotle and the golden mean, though I believe that was discussed in another book. In any case, this book immediately went into the shopping cart when I saw it. I think it was also easier to throw it in because I often judge books by their covers, so, yeah, into the cart it went. 

I was originally wanting to buy this huge hardbound book of five of Charles Dickens' novels, but it was much pricier than this one, which only has two novels, but costs only about 10% of its original price XD It was originally over 900 pesos, and we got it for like, 99. I think it's great to have my own copy of a couple of Charles Dickens' novels, especially since I know that he met The 9th Doctor okay now I am babbling sorry okay next book. 

Yes, yes, partly I judged the book by its cover, but mainly this found its way into the shopping cart because I read a bit of it and I find it really interesting. It made me want to curl up right away and read. 

My week now so far? Generally much calmer than the latter part of last week, and it was not just the books, but I guess it was how I chose to deal with some overwhelming emotions, as advised by my sister and a friend. Basically it is about not reading too much into things (better to just read the books I guess), just flowing into things as they unfold, and enjoying every moment that is given to me. 

Monday, September 9, 2013

Capturing DAT KITTY

Remember this awesome Killer Kitty in Jeans (those are pants, mind you, not short pants XD)? 


Haha DAT KAT. Which I finished on that day I chugged down some, uhm, Vietnamese coffee omg. And yeah, we also bought paint brushes. Yeah, paint brushes. We also bought paint brushes. 

And yes I believe that was mentioned three times. Alright, moving on...

So now that awesome kitty, I mean, sorry, Killer Kitty (he insists on being called that), is quite chagrined at having been captured (and, behind the scenes, hugged). 

Some dialogue went something like: Aren't you afraid of my claws and tail? And the response was: Uhm, no. XD

Friday, September 6, 2013

Afternoon Tea and Thoughts

I managed to get out of bed early today as I had been promising myself since last week, so I was able to check all of the items in my To Do list, except perhaps those that have to do with writing. It turns out today is one of those days when there aren't any writing jobs available, so I suddenly find myself with pockets of free time, in between updating things, reading, and refreshing the writing pages for anything that might turn up. 

So I get to have a leisurely cup of tea in the afternoon, allowing the sun to wash away all the clouds over my head. I've had too many Wings in my head too I guess, so I tried to quiet my soul down by allowing some Gregorian chants to fill my background for most of the afternoon. 

I realize I have been out of sorts lately. It's like I need to find a Constant, but right now it feels like there isn't any. 

I've been diligent with my Morning Pages though, and maybe this is part of the effect the Pages speak of. When things suddenly change so quickly you get whirled and you get dizzy and sometimes it seems you are just right where you  always used to be but in fact things have changed even faster you kind of lose track it's the nth time you seem to be in the same place but you really aren't. I am not sure which effect I am experiencing actually, but there have been changes which I cannot quite put my finger into, still. I guess  it is the combination of the supposed effect of diligently writing the Morning Pages, and What I Put Into It, or more specifically, What I've been putting into it lately. I dare not read them anytime too soon, because it will be like opening a mental can of worms. And knowing me, I don't want to get me started. 

It is late in the afternoon and I am somewhat more agitated, because I notice I kind of become anxious towards the early evenings, way into the wee hours. This is perhaps why I've been preferring mornings during the past week. Things DO look better and feel lighter in the mornings. No matter how empty things might seem sometimes, if it's morning, there seems to be a greater chance of the emptiness being filled in, but if the feeling carries on until it grows dark, even I sometimes feel hollow, which I guess kind of gives way to the anxiety. I don't know if it's just the tides or a phase or the inability to fly, but I have been quite more highly aware of the What that I feel and every minute detail around me, but the Whys are very elusive. 

In any case, since I cannot tell, right, I guess the only thing I can do about it now, is meet everything with perfect trust. Trust that all is well, and that all shall be well. I may not even have the vaguest idea how things will turn out, but I believe all shall be well as it is, and perhaps this is all part of the journey I need to take, albeit a tricky part. 

These Wings

Last Saturday,  a big dragonfly fell among our bogu. I realise it couldn't fly because its right wings and feet were tangled up in some sticky clump of dust and web, and as my kendo mate held it by the tail, I gently took away the sticky clump, after which we set it free and it flew high up again.

Then last Wednesday, I arrived at kendo practice a bit late, and they were all doing waza already by the time I was taking out my bogu and stuff, and then right there, next to where my bag rested, was another dragonfly, slightly smaller than the one we found last Saturday, and this time, it was just on the floor and could hardly move, because both wings were webbed with sticky dust, and its feet had an even thicker clump. I took the clumps away and up it flew.

The illustration above was born from these recent incidents, mixed with all the thoughts I had and emotions I felt, with each of about the hundred times I listened to Wings.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Creeping In and Surprising

Yesterday before my work in the afternoon I had an idea of a drawing of a particular picture in my head using only two colors of color pencil, and so after work and running some errands and chugging down Banana Milk Tea from Chatime, I started sketching. 

So that was last night and then I paused to take a shower, then finished adding the orchid and prussian blue colors around midnight. 

I prefer to take a "proper" photo in the daytime though, so I took another photo of the piece this morning for uploading to Facebook and my artwork page (see Artwork tab below the blog title). And yes, that odd girl looks oddly familiar...

It is the same girl, that same odd girl I made and posted last March when I wrote about spending Quiet Days. As for her companion...

I drew her last April and she is one of the softest, gentlest, kindest, sweetest, most supportive girls you may ever meet.  

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Colors and Cutouts

On the couple of weeks before Malaysia, I had been very busy with work and hardly slept, and hardly painted. When I returned home, it felt a bit like starting all over again. 

I managed to do a last piece for August though. A woman looking at a Glass Couch. 

My sister also kindly printed out for me an art card set I put together in June; she printed them out on sticker paper. Most of them remained as art cards on stickers, but some of them I cut out into smaller stickers.

I like their colors, pretty much like the colors of a new notebook set that I got for more Morning Pages

Then yesterday before kendo I made an initial sketch of what would be my first piece for September.

Earlier this afternoon, completely absorbed and listening to shoegaze and dream pop music and somewhat inspired, I finished New Honey Bee Leaf, my first illustration for September. 

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