Thursday, October 31, 2013

Shimmer

Look it shimmers :D


Kind of metallic, really. 

I am ill :( 

Anyway the above unfinished piece is the one I mentioned in the previous post (written in an unusual manner, I know) as the drawing I needed to color. It had been sitting colorless for over a week I think. 

Gosh I feel so ill. I hope this goes away by tomorrow. 

Sunday, October 27, 2013

I Look At You This Way

Mercury Pineapple (August 2013)

"I look at you this way, trying to gather all the fortitude left inside me, watching you slip away.

"You ARE slipping away. Along with all your promises, and along with your eagerness to know what I am doing, how my day went, how I feel at any moment, if I got enough sleep, and along with your excitement to share what happened to your day, what you are doing, what you cooked up, and things you wanted to teach me.

"It is not your fault. Perhaps you just really naturally lost interest, what with all the work that has to be done, and how this distance makes everything much less real.

"And so I just watch and no longer try to grasp at whatever is left, and though your echoes tell me that all is the same, your echoes reach me only at the time that not even you could hear them." 

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Almost Halloween

And I am pissed. But alright, I won't say anything much of it, and will just try my best to move on. Hence, this creepicture.


I have just died a little, and still dying, but I am sure I shall rise out of it eventually, as I always have. I believe I am strong enough. Right now though, it is quite sad and disappointing. Very harsh, really. 

In any case, I should keep focusing on people and things that are truly important, and People Disappearing On Me Suddenly do NOT fall under that category. 

Now I leave you with a happier picture, to balance out that dark, patchy, gloomy one up there. I was writing for work all morning, and I like what I am writing now, so it was a good way to keep busy :) 


Later I shall continue a drawing then work some more, before meeting up with some friends for dinner (^_^)

Friday, October 18, 2013

Magic Rocks

Magic (vb.) rocks and turn them into little mighty pretty things 

I wrote long in my Pages this morning, with many many exhales. Fortitude, I need loads of it. Meanwhile I need to really shine myself so that I sparkle again. It is tough and will take a lot of effort, but I am determined. 

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Goodbye

Again, I embrace a mountain of lessons. Next time, really. I owe myself that. 

All Just Wrong (September 2012). When I painted this I was thinking of how many things start out so perfectly, until one becomes aware how well it is all going, then once one pays attention, things just somehow start being all wrong, and one wants to go back to how things used to be, or wants to run forward as fast as ever in order to get away, but then time suddenly seems to drag by so slowly, and one feels trapped, and alone. 

And so, basically, I say: GOODBYE. I AM SORRY. I WAS DREAMING. 

I See You, Then I Drown (March 2013). This is basically about how someone and some things just take one's breath away. And somehow one cannot seem to "catch" it anymore, and she just... drowns. And she dies. 

Just like something I retweeted recently. About being done exerting the effort to be always present and remembered. This time, should you want to, IF AT ALL, then seek me out. 

If You Knew What Went On In This Head, You'd Think I'm A Gold Bar (March 2013). Need I say more? But then again the question is, would one be even remotely interested in what went on in this head. Itai ne. 

A part of me thinks of this all feels like a Mean Joke (and like why all Mean Jokes seem to have to come from a certain place), but most of the time I try to see it for the purpose that it serves, though right now instead of the lessons, I feel more of the rock-hard lemons being thrown right at my chest and it hurts, along with an avalanche of Spoken Words which to me are like, okay wtf was that, were YOU the one dreaming then. But yeah, perhaps. And that is why next time, no matter how big-sounding and promising some words are, until the Main Idea is declared, then, pfft, NO. 

AND SO, JUST... BACK TO ME. 

The Odd Girl (March, 2013). Uhm, yeah. THINK, before you say anything. Oddness and all, she is still a girl after all, even before she became odd.

Sometimes I just ache for the Tardis to come and take me away. And I won't even look back. I am tired. 

The Tardis, A Sketch (June 2013). Doctor, yes. 

Alright. So. Goodbyes are now in place. Perhaps you should try to look back at all the things you said, and maybe, you might understand why they held so much promise, and how they have now all shifted to something much, much less, in appearance and feeling, which is what I now sense. I have no freaking idea what the reasons or triggers are, but no matter. I am tired, and if you would really be the person you seemed to be, then YOU be the one to seek me out. I am tired and my wings are burnt. 

Mercury Pineapple (August 2013). Looks at you. Just looks at you. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Awake

Well, at least as far as the previously unfinished painting is concerned XD 


I hope I do wake up soon too. Oh wait better yet, be woken up like, you know, by a prince. (And oh please it has to be proper one, not one of them pretend-princes who will drift away in like five whole seconds.) 

Monday, October 14, 2013

The Cat Told Me to Clear My Desk

It is about time to clear my desk, the cat said. This morning I woke up to the sound of MUNCHING and I found him on my desk, Suddenly Finding The Things On It Very Interesting And Tasty. And then I realize there are way too many things on it, which I never got around to clearing since I moved bedrooms. To make me see that, the cat proceeded to just eating everything indiscriminately. But he particularly liked the latest group picture from the kendo club, and he could not stop LICKING the photo. WEIRDCAT. 

So anyway I am still in the process of Finding My Desk, and beneath much of the random things I found were four handmade gift cards which I crafted I think a couple of years ago, during the period I still made a lot of paper crafts (late 2011 to 2012). 





Now I shall continue clearing my desk :3 This should ease my mind even more  (^__^) 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Walks

First of all, let me say that I am quite proud of myself this week, at least in terms of my daily schedule *simpers smugly* For the first time, I think in my entire life, I was able to get out of bed at the time I intended to, and  I was able to follow everything in my schedule list, all the way from Monday until yesterday (today and tomorrow are my rest days). Although I was never able to sleep as early as I intended, I was still able to get out of bed on time, and all items in my to-do lists were all checked :3 

And then I was also able to go for many walks, which, for this week, were much more needed than usual.

*HUGE SIGH*

I won't go into the boring details of where that huge ominous sigh came from, but perhaps I can say that the walks helped, and as of now, whatever it is that I am going through, I can say that I may be considered "Doing Quite Well" in dealing with this, this... Thing. I have heard quite a lot of lectures from myself plus it is about time I put many of life's learning to actual use, especially at such an emotional time. Anyway, there is nothing I can do about such a situation except to be the best person that I can be and to keep moving forward no matter what. 

So, moving forward as though the previous paragraph did not exist, here is a work in progress - I know it is already the second, or almost the third, week of the month, and I have not finished anything on paper. (oh but see there were these rocks) I do have a few additional painted rocks, though, on top of the ones I did last week, but those, I also have to finish and coat with fixative. Anyway, here is part of a piece called "Wake Up."


This image was born from one of the many walks I took, on a day when I particularly felt very, very melancholic, and I told myself it is time to really, really wake up from a dreamy state where the pretty things I see and feel can easily turn into a nightmare. During these times, it is much better to live some kind of blah ordinary and yet undisturbed and productive day than feel exhilaration at some fake lovely scenes and then realize I am already actually falling into an abyss where not even a monster's open jaws await me because there is just nothing, really, I mean nothing, and so okay I shall not get me started. Anyway this piece isn't finished yet, and I hope I can finish it on Tuesday. 

My last long walk of the week was yesterday morning, after a night of hardly any sleep. When I went to sleep that night I felt like I was so broken and I was way, way too exhausted to put myself back together, and when I did fall asleep I had nightmares, and then I'd wake up every twenty minutes or so, and it was just horrible and I hated it, but when my alarm finally went off on Saturday morning, and I know my only choice was to face the day, I decided to just keep going on and prepare myself for more days which will most probably have the same find of crushed feeling lurking around it. I just need to be brave and strong, that's all. (yeah I just made it SOUND so easy sshhhh)


Saturday morning was rainy, and while it made me feel a bit sadder, it also comforted me somehow and I personally like walking under a big, curvy umbrella because it makes me feel like I am completely hidden even if I am walking outside (those moments I deeply enjoy being invisible). 


My sister joined me, but we walked separately, in silence, our umbrellas marking the large thought bubbles that also contained ourselves. 


I still have so much to learn, or, I guess I still needed to go through these things to sort of "test" myself or for me to see how I would fare in terms of actually living and applying the many lessons I have learned, particularly when it came to occasions of difficulty, and not just the times when everything is just so easy to follow because everything else is going on so easily and smoothly. I guess these less-fortunate-moments also serve as a mirror for me to see how much I have actually grown or how badly I will mess things up even more. Fortunately though, even if the latter takes place, it still goes back to re-learning the lesson, except that it was learned in a much harder way. 


Currently I am at a blind corner, but I just have to move forward, right, and meet whatever awaits me there. If any. For all I know there could just be yet another path with uncertain signs and I have to again find my way blindly, playing things by ear, but then at least I will have brought with me more lessons which should not fly out the window along with my fortitude in case of any big encounters with Things.


Despite all the similar patterns that I see in myself and in the situation though, this whole experience is actually still Quite New to me, so it is like an old and new test at the same time. I can be full of trepidation though, and I don't want that holding me back or dragging me down or causing me to trip forward at such a bad timing. 


Okay so I still ended up talking about the thing, right, albeit in a cryptic manner (^^U) In any case, wish me luck so that I can move forward with faith and fortitude. I shall be as brave as I can be. 


By the end of that Saturday morning walk, I felt more up to moving forward with my life with more lively steps. Back home, I was welcomed by mushrooms which I realized were beautifully just sprouting from what's left of an old tree. 


Today, I did my usual work in the morning, then since I had the rest of the day free, I went out during the afternoon with my sister for a nice walk. The rains have stopped and it was a nice sunny and windy afternoon. I wore one of my favorite pink skirts, and today I pinned these beauties on it. 


Now I shall head to dinner and then probably spend the rest of the evening watching something. I shall do my best to keep staying calm, and to keep my faith that things shall turn out for the best. 

Monday, October 7, 2013

The Past Few Days in Sweet Sixteen-stagram Photos

Since posting last week about painting rocks again, I feel like I have been away for days. I mean yes I HAVE been away for days but to me it felt much longer than that. Anyway, this week is going to be a busy, tightly-scheduled week, so lemme just share bits of this and that which took place since my last post, and then I shall get to work, and work straight until it is time for dinner. 

1. Afternoon Coffee on a THURSDAY. Work on Thursday afternoon was canceled so a huge chunk of it went to a leisurely cup of coffee at a nearby coffee shop. 

2. Beginnings of A Sick Bunny. Friday and Saturday were whole-day working days out of the house. In between tasks inside the conference room, I drew. 

3. Drawing + Dessert = Happies. At some point I discovered these lovely Ngingi Stamps and I have been kind of addicted to them since. Anyway, here, I was experiencing the joy of making art AND having something sweet on the side, particularly Almond with Lychees. 

4. With Hints of Blue. This is on the second day already, Saturday. Adding hints of blue to the bunny, while having the same kind of dessert. 

5. Sick Bunny Needs Watering. Finished with the color pencil part. Have yet to "water" it. 

6. Custard Pies. Marking the end of the two working days by feasting on these tiny custard pies. 

7. Vietnamese Coffee. Saturday night after work and a bit of rest, my sister and I met up with some friends, because one of them treated us out to dinner since it was his birthday earlier during the week. After dinner we took care of his coffee. It was his first time to try Vietnamese coffee and he quite liked it :3

8. Coffee Jelly. I wanted something cold and creamy instead so I picked the Hazelnut coffee jelly. 

9. English Breakfast Tea on A Sunday Morning. I had Sunday morning work, and had a nice cup of tea before it began. Had my second cup when it began around nine. 

10. Sunday Solitude. I had moments of melancholy during these past few days, so to shake it all off, I went out for a nice leisurely walk on Sunday afternoon. Just as in my spontaneous little trip before, I brought with me a book, my journal, a pen, my music, and beverage money. Eventually I headed for my secret hang out place, writing and sipping (a strawberry yogurt drink this time) and watching people and things go by. It was really pleasant, because it was a Sunday and there were hardly any people and cars around, and it was quite sunny and windy. A lovely afternoon, really. Before I left my favorite spot I took a random photo with Ngingi again. 

11. Root Beer Made With Aged Vanilla. AGED VANILLA. Somehow it made me feel like my root beer tasted even better. This was Sunday night, when plans to step out for ice cream became a plan to have dinner instead. We checked out a newly-opened place called Size Matters.  

12. Chili Cheese Fries. Before you know, the actual dinner :D

13. Breakfast Sausages. The place offers a menu for an all-day breakfast. 

14. Mocha Ice Cream. So we stepped out for ice cream originally, had meaty meals instead, then came home to find... ice cream. It was better to step IN than step OUT for ice cream after all. (I know, that was lame.)

15. Wrapping Up Rocks Sold. Three of the rocks I painted recently were immediately sold to a friend of mine :) She will be getting them the next time we meet up. I wrapped them up this morning after coffee. 

16. Mogget Morning. Mogget, earlier this morning, as I got started on my tasks. Probably checking if I WAS actually getting things done or just procrastinating. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Again, Painting Rocks

Because of some "plant trouble," my internet connection has been quite wonkeh these past few days, and last night, I was just rudely cut off from a conversation D: Until the wee hours of the morning, there was a network problem, then when I woke up around three AM (from very elaborate exhausting dreams), I was back online and was able to send a few messages, then I went back to sleep. In the morning, I found myself cut off from the web again, and everything only started being normal again earlier tonight. 

Anyway, I never run out of things to do even when I am offline, so I spent the remaining part of the morning (I realize I have been having sleeping problems a few weeks now, so I end up getting out of bed way too late in the morning, but tomorrow, I PROMISE, REALLY, I shall wake up early no matter what) helping slice chilies in the kitchen (which, for some reason, caused my hand to burn and sting for about a couple of hours, which has never happened before when I sliced chilies) and painting rocks. Yes I am back to doing them again, because someone asked me about them and was interested. So in the morning, as my hand began to sting, I painted the background colors. 


In the early afternoon, my hands started stinging and burning, and everything I touched with it felt hot. I was debilitated for several minutes because putting my hand under running water barely helped. I don't know why the chilies had this effect this time, when I had sliced chilies many times before, and it never felt this way after. Anyway, in the end, before the heat got to my head, I decided to just get on with what I wanted to do, and to function alongside the pain as best as I can. Eventually I managed to finish painting the rocks. 


As of now I have sprayed two coatings of fixative on them, and I am waiting for them to dry completely. In hand-related news, the constant burning pain has remarkably lessened, but it still feels painful to the touch. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Hello, October

And just like that, we have entered the last quarter of this Year of True Paths. I am somewhat optimistic about its remaining time, though. And I promise myself to enjoy every step of this journey, instead of jumping to try to get a peek of what lies ahead. No, I am too short, and too much jumping makes me tired. 

My last artwork for September is called Delirious, and I hope there is nothing delirious in how I see things this quarter :D 


If I were asked right now, HOW ARE YOU - I would not have the faintest idea how to even begin to answer that. As of now, I can only choose to make the best out of the time given to me, and keep the faith that things will turn out for the best. 
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