Tuesday, November 26, 2013

A Dragonfly Warmup

Further to my anthurium warmup a couple of weeks ago, I did dragonfly warmups this morning, also for the same commission I mentioned back then. Perhaps next time I can combine both elements in their unusual, unearthly forms. 

Monday, November 25, 2013

A Tasty Weekend

The weekend was kendo sandwiched in five-cheese pizza and 1837 Black Tea. 

On Friday, I spent a great deal of the afternoon with my sister, enjoying the windy outdoors with pizza and coffee.

I brought with me the rune book I found and bought recently. I had to draw one for a concern about how dealing with someone, and the rune I drew talks about a radical change and a loss, and advises to seek among the ashes and adapt well to move forward. 

The next day was kendo and I realize how it makes a big difference in taking things off my mind. 

Yesterday was going out for a movie with my sister and ending the small trip with crepe and tea. The 1837 Black Tea we had was so lovely - it was black tea flavored with ripe fruits. 

Earlier today I had a disrupted sleep, due to a very disturbing and violent nightmare. I woke up and felt so bad, and felt even worse because the weight of the mentioned radical change and loss seemed even more burdensome. I stayed awake for about an hour more or so, and just lulled myself back to sleep reading some manga. For the rest of today I intend to be as busy as I can be. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Beady Eyes

I finished Beady Eyes this morning :) 

I shall be going back to my normal working schedule tomorrow. I am not quite sure if yesterday and today's supposed full rest is enough, but I guess it would be safe to assume that the art-sleeping-reading-rest will still somehow help me move forward more easily. Meanwhile, Miss Beady Eyes Girl is looking out for me, I think. 

I can't wait for this phase to be over. 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

The Past Three Days

I was supposed to be writing this post this morning, but after I have grabbed the photos, I decided to take a nap, and ended up sleeping for one and a half hours, waking up just in time for lunch :3

Such a long and untimely nap you might say, but as of this morning I decided it was finally Time. But more on that later. My last post was Saturday so here is to share what the days since then have been like via some of my Instagram photos.

Sunday was like most of my ordinary Sundays before September, and in the morning, as I worked in the backyard, I found this little buddy resting on one of the plants.

Monday, I went through my usual Monday routine for the past several weeks, except this time I was finally able to put something onto paper instead of staring idly onto it.

All of Tuesday morning was spent working to meet a deadline, and the data I was transcribing had to do with food, so halfway through the morning I had  second breakfast like a hobbit.

In the afternoon of the same day, I added some color to my beady-eyed girl.

Then, for today, I crafted my usual Chronodex compulsion-list.

However, I am not following today's schedule. And I am not creating the usual Thursday schedule for tomorrow.

During this morning's walk, I realized how deeply exhausted I have been, and not just physically, but on so many levels as well, for over a month already. And I decided that it is About Time I take a couple of days off to Really Rest. I would have preferred to sleep for three to five days but that is impossible for now, so as I walked back home this morning, I eventually decided to just Do Art, Sleep, and Read as I please, for the rest of the day and tomorrow. I still have a couple of jobs to do, but they should not take long and I cannot keep using it as an excuse to keep putting off a much-needed rest, otherwise I might just begin to resent it. Hence this morning I ended up taking that very long nap after grabbing the photos for this post, during which I had dreams of attacking cartoon-women who were bullying me. 

Why Doing Art, Sleeping, and Reading in particular - the sleeping part is actually just for my mental and physical exhaustion, and for hours it keeps me from thinking and experiencing unpleasant things and feeling any kind of weight. I would have chosen to just read for all the waking hours, but I also needed some form of release, and I think getting back to my drawings is the best way I can do that. In effect, I Release through Art, I Rest through Sleep, and I Recharge through Reading. I think this is the best way I can help myself right now. I hope I rise out of it soon enough. 

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Sketches for Stickers

I have tried out printing some artwork before on sticker paper and then cutting them out, though the ink became smudgy (^^U) 

I have not been drawing and painting for ages - in October I realized I only had two pieces and each took longer than usual. Anyway, this morning, after seeing a friendship-reference I made completely ignored, I drew some random things, thinking, Stickers. 

I am writing this blog post in between work-tasks, because I am horribly sleepy. I think there is the factor of a sincere reference I made about a friendship, and that reference was Completely Ignored. Well then. I have given my word so I shall do my best. Otherwise, I just Cannot anymore. 

Friday, November 15, 2013

Chronodex Has Inspired Kawaii

I seem to have suddenly gone for the past few days, but, yes, I was quite, Gone. So many things to do, really, or, more like, attending to things that need to be done, one after the other, particularly on my waking hours. On other hours, I just napped. I think I have come to that point in my life when I just want to keep napping. In any case, I still had a fairly significant number of things done. Each day I am accompanied by my gradually-becoming-cuter planner. Kawaii-ness inspired by Chronodex

My planner already has really cute prints inside. 

The thing is, I used to just list down my to-dos with check boxes next to them and their particular hours specified. Then I go about my day trying to follow everything religiously, and just Knowing that the more checks there are, the more I have progressed with my day. 

However, eventually, I decided to add stickers and decor tapes to make it more lively, and then I started using Chronodex, and though it started out looking boring and untidy…

…I got the hang of it soon enough and it looked less untidy. It did take a bit more time though, at first at least. So I was not able to Decorate the pages as much. 

However I do want to keep it lively and still keep using Chronodex, because it allows me to see my progress for each day not just in terms of the Number of Things Done, but also in terms of where my hours actually go to and how much time each to-do uses up. It is pretty much like having Morning-Pages-o-Clock and Breakfast-o-Clock and Work-o-Clock. Later on, I realize it would all look better with my color pencils, at least for the shading. 

And sometimes, I just go all out on stickers and tape.

Today is my Rest Day, though I worked a bit this morning and I shall be working on some things throughout the rest of the day. I guess it eases my mind, see, and I do fun things in between. 

I shall now proceed to organizing and reading up on some things, having been playing Bakamonogatari in the background since yesterday. I realize that even now, regardless of who is involved in my personal life, I can absolutely relate to most, if not all, of Senjougahara's sentiments, and I couldn't agree more with many of Hanekawa-san's wise insights. One of my most favorite parts though, was when Senjougahara brought Araragi-kun to watch the stars, saying everything she has is everything she can give to him, and Araragi-kun was clearly overwhelmed with emotions. 

Monday, November 11, 2013

Pretty Odd Peach ✨

For the past few months, I had been uploading my artwork to a new page ♥‿♥ Hence, before, if you clicked on the Artwork tab above, you would find yourself in the old artwork page (◡‿◡✿) However, even if posting new pieces was easy, going back to the old ones became difficult and took much longer. Now, I created a new page where all my artwork shall be uploaded and shared (◕‿◕✿) Please do check out Pretty Odd Peach by clicking on it or the Artwork tab above (。-。) It includes pieces all the way from 1999 up to this month :) Thank you!!! (^__^) 

Warming Up, Turning Cold

I have never actually drawn "proper" flowers ever before, and the closest I've gotten to drawing them was when I drew odd versions of the Camomile Caster, the Blackeyed Susan, the Lily of the Valley, and the Bridal Veil, some time in July. 

The Flowers When No One is Looking (2013)

However  I received a commission for anthurium-themed pieces and though they are not supposed to be typical anthuriums in a typical background and setting, I believe warmups should be in place. 

My First Go At It

I still have to practise more (^^U)

As I do warmups on the said pieces, I feel I am turning cold on some recent thing, I guess because I have become just oh-so-tired of going along with it as though things have not changed, but they really have. I have shifted from Trying To Hold On, to Staying Put And Being Readily Available, to now: Refusing To Even Entertain Anything Of It. I have grown really, really tired. And as I realized last night, I no longer want to just Half-Hear from him through the generic posts and announcements for all, most of which I do not understand anyway; it is way too far from when we had Actual Conversations On Things. Now I feel more like an organic form of private Facebook or Twitter to which he merely posts random, generic updates, when he feels like it or when he even remembers to or is "automated" to, just for the sake of keeping up the last dregs of probably-forgotten conversations. 

I do wish though that when I turn cold, I turn Completely Cold so that I do not feel anything anymore. I do not want to feel anything about it anymore. (There is a disclaimer on this though, which was in this morning's Morning Pages but that would make me sound way too loony right now if I ramble on about it so okay, no.)

Meanwhile I feel like sleeping for days and days and days and wake up when my own personal super typhoon is over. 

Sunday, November 10, 2013

These Thoughts, Suddenly

As I drifted off to an afternoon nap...

1. The weather is sunny and bright, but I am sleepy, because you have lost interest. 

After I woke up...

2. I am very sleepy, because I am tired of my life. 

3. I try to be generally calm about you, but sometimes I do wonder why the f*ck you have to say all those nicest things, and then just drop me. Really, why the f*ck. 

4. This isn't really funny. 

5. I still do not get the Mean Joke of 2012. 

6. Do all Mean Jokes come from the same country? This year's Mean-er joke also came from where last year's did. One more Mean Joke and I am never stepping in your country because I just might return home Heartless and Deranged

7. Can blessings stop wearing those silly disguises and just walk in? 

8. I would like to think I am strong, but sometimes my attention shifts to how cruel this all is. Like okay, I could be strong, but this is Still Cruel. 

9. If women are advised against declaring anything before the men declare anything first, I strongly suggest that men refrain from saying too many things that express interest unless they are really absolutely sure of how they feel, and unless they are about to declare their sincere and certain affections  SHORTLY AFTER that. So do not tell a woman that life has been easier since you met her, or that you want to see her again, if you are not going to do anything about being with her or seeing her. 

10. Go, have your great Sunday. GO.  

These thoughts, suddenly. As I frantically typed them away and wished I felt Absolutely Nothing. 

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Happy Weekend, Happy Wedding

I first used Chronodex last Friday, but I was not satisfied with how it looked like :D So I tried again for today :D Here is my Chronodexed Saturday; I think I am already getting the hang of seeing how my daily hours are distributed so clearly with just one look. 

A Chronodexed Saturday, and looking forward to making Sunday's  (。。)

I woke up an hour later today, mainly because I realized I could not do any of my morning rituals outdoors because of the very very very strong gusts of wind which began at some time before midnight, due to the super typhoon, which by the way is all over the internet, the image of which is shown covering the entire country. However, when I did wake up some time before five AM, I know I just came from a very unusual dream. Unusual because I never had dreams like this before. 

Green (2003)

I had just gotten married, but I was no longer in the wedding reception anymore. I was still wearing my white, fluffy wedding dress, and I was with my groom who was wearing a gray suit, though I do not know who he really is now; I do not even think I ever saw his face. Anyway after getting married we decided to just skip all the celebration and let everyone else party among themselves. We went to a park instead. A big, grassy park, and we spent the rest of the afternoon there, taking walks and talking forever, sometimes running and laughing. I have never felt so happy, I realized as I watched the grass. 

The most vivid part I remember was that sunset came, and orange light would blind us if we tried to look across the wide grassy field, so we decided to go back to his black car, which was just suddenly parked there in the middle of the grassy area, and we sat inside to rest, leaving all the doors open so we'd feel like we are still on the grass. We sat quietly, and I realized I have never felt so rested in my entire life. 

I must admit I woke up a bit sad XD Maybe it is the weather, or because it is also one of those mornings when it sinks in again that a certain distance has grown, but then again, no matter, I can only move forward, right. Keep Calm and Carry On, so to speak. 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

A Chronodex Compulsion

I am only about to use Chronodex but I think I am already loving it. 

A printout of Chronodex daily charts sits on my messy desk as I make some lists of other things

I love its design, and how it makes my daily schedule more "visual" and "flowing" instead of being just a nice linear list. Not that a nice linear list isn't good, but I think a daily schedule in Chronodex format is somehow clearer and lovelier :D 

Tomorrow is my Rest Day so I don't have much planned for that day, so I shall start using it on Friday. I've cut out these somehow-Steampunk-looking templates and pasted them on my planners for until Saturday of the week after this. 

They also look quite nice on the cute, colorful pages of my compact, thick planner. They are still empty, so definitely, More Colors to come (^_^) 

As I mentioned, tomorrow is my Rest Day for this week, and I intend to sleep long tonight until I wake up naturally tomorrow. It is quite timely that I am finally getting my long-overdue massage tonight. I was supposed to go to kendo, but when I woke up this morning, the pain and swelling on my left leg from last Saturday's first-time-cramp-incident is still quite present, plus there is swelling and pain at the back of my right shoulder. I think I must have overexerted myself last Saturday, considering that I had been sick since Thursday before that. I think it is still good though, because my fever did not return after that, and my colds and sore throat were gone by Monday :D  It's just all the physical and muscle pains now, nothing else. Moreover, now I finally let myself get a massage, which I had been putting off since forever. I am going to a nearby spa later, after my afternoon job, then come back home in time for dinner (^_^)

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Put to Rest

In their own fashion, some things seem to have been put to rest this weekend. 

During the Halloween, when the veil between our world and the spirits' is at its thinnest, I decided to talk to an ex-boyfriend who has passed away about a couple of months before, albeit hesitantly (the talking not the dying), and feeling a bit silly while I was at it. I did not really think about it, I just found myself starting this unusual conversation. I told him about something I am going through, and how much of a difficult time I am having about it, and how I do not understand why it is all happening in the first place, until finally I just did not know what to say anymore, nor what to ask for about it, that I just asked him to say some prayer or help in some way I have no idea of, so that this thing I am having a hard time with would somehow be settled, or put to rest, and that in the end I just find the happiness I seek with regard to that aspect of things. I think I just rambled on for the most part, but intelligent and sincere exes are very likely to just get it whatever you are saying, plus they are not really just regular people anymore, right, so I just kind of felt after a million sighs about the matter that I have somehow made myself clear to him, and then before I rejoined the world, I asked him for some kind of sign or message that is fairly clear but not belonging in the realm of horror movies. And then I moved on and did my best in dealing with the matter on my own, in which, so far, I believe I am doing fairly well. 

Then the rest of the Halloween and Dia Delos Muertos was spent being ill and working at the same time. The being-ill part was really quite a hassle, since it prevented me a great deal from functioning normally, and I had to pause for naps and groans. The work-part though, I enjoyed, yes, Enjoyed, because I was writing about topics which were interesting things for me and which I like talking or writing about. I enjoyed it too because I think the way I am dealing with the matter is working well for me, so I was able to focus more on work and whatever it is I had to do at any given moment. It is hard and sometimes I heave about a hundred sighs, but I can only move forward. 

Saturday was kendo day, and my illness was not going to stop me from attending. Besides, I have had experiences of kendo healing me from anxiety, preoccupation, sadness, and really bad headaches, so I wanted to try if it was going to work for a combination of a slight fever, clogged sinuses, and dry, scratchy cough. 

I decided to start fighting for my ability to function normally despite a teary left eye by going out in the morning to check out a book warehouse sale. Before heading out, I ate a full breakfast and stuffed my face with all the medicines my family made me take. 

After about a couple of hours my dad, my sister, and I went to the book warehouse sale. I found three books that I wanted. Uncle Silas is a book I am currently reading via Kindle, but it is a book I would like to have a printed copy of, plus I like the version of the print that I found. So I got it. Then I have never read The Unbearable Lightness of Being despite my intentions to read it a long, long time ago, until one time I decided not to read it yet because everyone around me kept dropping the title and the author's name as though it was some verbal kind of glamorous bling, that I lost interest, and then just last week, I was in a bookstore and I saw it and thought of wanting to buy it, but since I had no intentions of buying anything that time, I let it go. And then I found it in the book sale, so alright, it was time I actually get it for me. 

As for The Book of Runes by Ralph H. Blum, that, I am quite lucky with. I have my own rune stones which I have made for myself years ago, but I did not have a Ralph H. Blum rune book of my own, and it is that rune book version I particularly like, because I have read my sister's own copy and so far, it is the rune book I feel most connected and "at home" with. Then, upon entering the book sale, I saw it there, and I think it was kind of grinning. I took it and now it is mine. It even came with its own set of rune stones. 

In the afternoon I went to kendo class, and though I felt weak and woozy, I felt all the clogged sensations in my head leaving me, that my fever has not returned since then :) Kendo heals :D I came home straight after practice, and was asleep before midnight. Right before I woke up at seven AM, I had a dream. 

I was with a friend of mine, and we were talking. Just then, my ex, whom I mentioned earlier in this post, came passing by, and he looked at me, and smiled. I smiled back, and felt a bit awkward since I had not seen him in like, seven years. He walked on, never removing his gaze and smile from me, and he gave me a little nod, and in my mind I heard the message that said, "Everything is going to be alright now." I suddenly felt comfortable, then as he disappeared from view, I realized  he is supposed to be dead, and as the surprise sank in, I gasped and was about to call out to him, and just in time, I woke up, with the memory of all of it so clear and I was so certain it was his way of saying goodbye, and responding to the favor I asked of him during the Halloween, which I barely even remember as I got out of bed. 

My heart was racing, still recovering from the "shock" I felt in the dream for seeing him walking by despite the fact that he has already died, but I was fully awake, and then in a soft voice, I thanked him sincerely for what he did, and for not making it horror-movie material. Mainly I thanked him for the assurance. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY NOW. I admitted to him though, that I am not sure what it really means, at least in terms of the matter, but at least I know things will be okay. I guess I just have to wait and see. And believe. 

Then I got up and went to work and did some usual Sunday-things, and as I browsed through some pins in Pinterest, I found this image, and somehow I just felt all of it, and I briefly felt like my heart was going to burst because of wishes I have had about being on roofs with someone, and how awkward things could be but it would all be all right because we are just really awkward like that. 

Image from Pinterest 

To snap out of it, I just decided to finish my shimmering piece, doing my best to move forward, and keep the faith that things will work out fine. 

This piece is called The Day It Rained Cherries. Finally, finished. Creating this saw through many phases and other things that will just bore everyone including me. Anyway it is done now, and it seems many things are now at rest. 

I must admit though, right now I am a bit… lost. Again. Yes, that short interval from beginning this post to finishing it. I wonder what the matter is. I wonder when things will stop being Mean Jokes. I mean, right now, you know, I would appreciate it if blessings no longer came in disguise. Like if they just came. Halloween is over, so can the blessings just march in without the disguise part? Sometimes it is just isn't fun anymore and I am just tired. 
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