Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Un-Favorite Food

The Shameless Manner I Devoured The Canned Sausages (2013)

I have been making some new friends lately, and I think it is great given this emotional thing that I am going through, and then one of them asks me what my favorite food is, and I said it really depends on my mood but I basically eat anything, so he asked instead what I DO NOT eat, and I think I never really thought about it because I have never been asked that question I think, so I made a list of things I do not eat, off the top of my head. Here is the list I came up with:


  • Ox brain
  • Most forms of liver
  • Raw beef
  • Durian
  • Jackfruit
  • Watercolor
  • Parking Tickets
  • Bugs and insects
  • Tormented chickens
  • Foie gras
  • Duck
  • And then there are vegetables that I would only eat if there is a war and there is nothing else to eat, or if I am faint with hunger. Or if my mom emotionally blackmails me. Like sayote and green mongo beans. 

So there. Now I have just turned on all the lights in the room even if the sky is still a bit bright outside, because I am feeling the discomfort of deep sadness creeping back in again, and I need to drive it away. Watching Doctor Who a while ago did distract me though, after which I listened to music from the Amelie soundtrack and started thinking about Edgar Allan Poe. 

Then suddenly, Chop Suey by System of A Down. Forgive the shifts. I honestly feel like a regenerating Doctor right now, with my dying taking a bit of a long, painful process. I just hope I do regenerate after this long, arduous journey. 

Go


Good Morning


Dark ruby. It's just the morning sun making it redder and brighter, but it's really much tamer than that. 

I try my best each day to deal, and right now I am just thankful that I was able to actually SLEEP last night, and I actually slept through the whole night. Of course there was the usual ill-feeling upon waking up and realizing what I must do, but I tried my best to think about other immediate things like getting out of bed and finding my Morning Pages notebook and checking where the cat is and putting my hair up and making sure the cat did not eat any of my desk-things. 

I cannot get over the fact that none of the certain beautiful things that took place earlier this month would ever happen again, and I realize how deeply disappointed I am by how things turned out. But see, I MATTER, and though I would rather be like the Lucky Girl Whose Excitement Cannot Be Contained by finding my forever home where she is, I do not really think there is any home for me in that life, nor in that heart. I do not see it nor feel it. And being one who Matters, I must bravely albeit painfully walk away and, you know, Matter. 

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Another Awfully Silent Day

We don't need to say goodbye. 

Talk (2013)

But this change, this distance. 

It's Begun

I have set things in motion earlier tonight. I have unlocked the gates that lead to taking action with regard to a decision I have made. Despite its dreadfulness for me. 

Misses You (2013). And now, already. 

Then, soon, I must take the final step. Despite the ache and the torment.

Sleep seems to elude me tonight, and in my head, this song: "So Sorry" by Feist. And I keep thinking, we don't have to say goodbye. But then each day, the most of each day brings me to the harsh reality and bleakness of my obscurer obscurity. And so I must take the final step. Unless real saving happens. I do not know. 

Monday, April 28, 2014

On This Absolutely Silent Rainy Afternoon

From The Jane Austen Book Club movie. That scene where Prudie struggled. And then she chose to do the right thing.  

In the midst of work, disrupted by the ringing of silence. So this plays again. "Save Me" by Aimee Mann. And while I secretly, wistfully seek it from one I need to walk away from, I must do it for myself. And while it kills me on each morning I wake up, and on each awfully silent day of absence, and on each sunset as memories stab and wound, and on each night I die from an entire day of uncertainty, I must do what I must. If I am really worth all that trouble, there is always, always a way. Even if I have fallen into silence myself. Even if I have walked away. Even if I have morphed into an unexcitable fang-girl. THERE ARE WAYS. And a really sincere, truly serious, truly present one will have the open mind to figure them out. If it is true that I had really opened that mind, then that mind would discern that I am not one to be closed off from the world. And from all the pretty things that we could be. And be kept in waiting indefinitely. I deserve more, so much more. I deserve true happiness. 

This Lucky Girl

I made her my cover photo in my Facebook for now.

This Excitement I Cannot Contain (2014)

Well, at least a part of my her face shows in the cover. 

This lucky girl, who gets to be in her forever home forever. 

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Pleasure and Oppression


A sudden idea. Of mixed emotions. Mixed associations. Pleasure. Oppression. Being confined in a good way. Being confined in a bad way. Submitting. Escaping. Staying. Leaving. Enduring. Struggling to be free. Clinging. Crawling away. Tearing up in joy. Weeping. Wanting to see. Wanting to turn away forever. Living. Dying. 


Friday, April 25, 2014

Last Instructions, and A Letter


I have been having thoughts last week of starting to write my last instructions and requests for when I finally meet with sweet death, but I have been going through quite a lot lately so I never found the time for it, until yesterday morning just declared itself as The time for it, so I got started already with some of them last instructions and requests. And then I wrote a letter too. I've sealed and put them away for now, and anything else I remember shall have to follow next time. Who knows, things can get so, so much better than they are now and big changes can be made in the instruction contents, but then again, I may meet with sweet death any minute now, so we cannot really tell can we :D In any case, my initial writings are now sealed and tucked away and certain people have been informed of where they are and what the key is :) 

I am still hoping for brighter and happier days ahead though, so that I would not just be antsy-and-impatiently-waiting-for-sweet-death, and instead living life the cheerful, solitary way I used to before this whole thing came to me. So now I am making a conscious effort to move forward despite a tough decision I have yet to act on, and this line from Ashita no Watashi no Tsukurikata totally MOVED me:

"I'm still a little scared, but I want to live my life the best way I can in my own way. Because even if something bad happens today... something good might happen tomorrow.

And so I use what strength I have left, keep in mind that I must continue to grow, and seek the help of Freyja. 

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Love

I came across this image that I put together last year, and the funny thing is that on this day last year, I blogged about this exact same image :3


And once again, just like last year's post, it seems somewhat bipolar to write about dreadful decisions just right before and then suddenly, Love :)) Oh but then, see, in order to make way for the real things I have to take the right steps. It still weighs heavily upon me, even and especially now that I am feeling and sensing certain things that seem to support my decision to take that course of action. In any case, I need to be still for now and gather my selves, until it is time. I do not know when that would be, but I would, when it is time. I hope I would still be brave enough. I hope. I hope that hope never leaves me. Or has it? What I need now are more truths and good signs and total sincerity. Not just words said just to sort of make me feel better. 

A Decision, Dreadful

A 2013 mixed media artwork

In my moments of solitude since last week, I have been ruminating on a certain course of action, which I would not even dare seriously plan about, but as of yesterday, I realized I must take that course of action after all. 

And then I have been kind of deader than ever. 

It is something I totally refuse to do, but I feel it in my core that I must. Otherwise I prolong a current difficult situation where I am at a great disadvantage. 

And so I slept on it and upon waking on the wee hours of today, I remembered the decision I have made the day before and I felt ill with dread. I was overcome with fear and I heard myself say that I cannot believe I am doing it when it almost meant the world to me. But then again I am not exactly happy about it, and I am not sure if it is slipping away from me, or perhaps I am slipping away from it at the same time, but there seems to be no intention to grab me at least by my beautiful hair and SAVE ME.  

So I must take this course of action. And each minute until its time is so dreadful. I dread the moment itself, and the days and nights after it. Weeks. Months. God, not years. Because it really means that much to me. 

Unless, unless, this time, this thing really makes a difference from everyone else and everything else. But I can only wish. Meanwhile, I brave this secret storm. 

Odd and Obscure

This is something I wrote on the seventh of April, but decided against publishing it because I figured I shall be the bright bohemian baby who is just always present and cheerful, but right now, I am just Exhausted. I would have done Whatever it takes but that is kind of hard when your existence is only like, about 25% of the whole you or even less.



~oOo~


It is hard never being able to speak of it, like some cursed ring. It is like a secret planet weighing down on my shoulders. A beautiful secret planet, but weighing down on my shoulders nevertheless. And somehow I have to carry it on my own. I get cheered on and supported for carrying it but I still need to carry it in silence, on my own, and I must try to look happy and as though there is no weight on my shoulders. I cannot even speak of its beauty because it is an effing secret planet. 

What about what I truly deserve - someday I may wake up, about 300 years old, alone and perhaps living inside that beautiful planet, but I may never know when company is arriving again. If at all. 


I readily accept the oddness of all this now, living inside a secret closet, oddness and all. I may be special, but I am in a secret closet. A special odd creature, but a secret nevertheless. 


I do not like the crowds and I do not like the noise and I like the quiet of all this, which is why I can manage a secret planet and being a secret creature. But what about the long stretches of silence when I instead prefer words and laughter and company? What about those silences? What about the absences? A desire to be not-absent is far different from being actually absent, such as when I need directions to a place and I can only ask the air. I can only rely on whatever fragment is left for me. I get big chunks of these things, and most of the time they let me get through those long periods of absences, but those absences, oh how real they are. The silences. The absences. And always I have to wait. Is this something I deserve just because I am only welcome up to the anteroom of a certain world, and even then I must not present myself as who I really am? 


Outside this anteroom, is a much bigger world where the cold will hit me hard, but at least I will not be made to carry this huge secret planet all by myself. And I would not need to go and keep waiting in the anteroom, trying to be much, much more obscure than I already am, only to be sneaked in when everyone has left and I can run across the dark halls and laugh, albeit softly and with care, you know, Just In Case. And then when the reality of the daylight comes in, I get sent back to the anteroom, obscure and waiting. 

I never know what is really there. I do not even want to be included, because I like my distance and my silence. I do not even want to be in the main room to be introduced to everyone. But I am definitely worth more than just being in the anteroom.  

I cannot tell exactly which direction I want to take, because I have not the tiniest clue of where exactly I am. I am not even supposed to act in certain ways. This is not a pleasant way of being confined. 

Will I just be always waiting, waiting for I do not even know what, while putting on this brave smile and pretending as though there is no planet on my shoulders? I am filling in the gaps of a world I am not part of and should not be part of, but the gaps in mine are dreadfully wide and silent and empty. 

I can always just walk away. I deserve so much more than this. Suddenly, the difference between How-readily-present-I-can-be and How-much-I-have-to-wait-for-the-absences-to-end is so stark that it hurts my eyes, and I never know if there will always be a hankie to cover them just when I need it. See, it is those things. The reality is, I am blindly making my way through this, switching from this world to another, and I never know when I would reach out and feel a hand guide me, and even then no one should know about the effing hand. 

I AM already obscure as it is. It does not matter if I was gazed upon for over a year, because even that was a secret gaze. I do not need announcements, but I also do not need to be made much more obscure than I already am. 

The last time I checked, wanting to be with me and being present in my life meant being such. I have been prepared in having to wait for the few moments this could be resembled, and I kept my faith. But right now, I am not even sure what I am waiting for. Or what I am. 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

And Then There Is Order


Today has been busy as usual, but it is a varied kind of busy-ness :3 There were chores of cleaning glass panes and finishing a writing job and then there was organizing the shelf of sewing and crafting materials. 


It always feels great when I organize and clean up things because it is so grounding and it really does take my mind off things. 




I intend to have a full, busy day again tomorrow, but perhaps more hours will go into the writing and then about a couple more into the whole organizing-the-craft-shelf. I realize that being around many different people recently and being more deeply involved in my day-to-day can work wonders with my spirit. I have also been doing my best to follow the counsel of my runes. Sometimes things get a bit puzzling and frightening and frustrating, but I can only do my best to get by and make the most out of each moment. And trust in the way of things.  


I guess I would much rather be tired by daily tasks and hours of drawing, painting, and crafting than be drained and exhausted by questions and my innate resistance to ambiguity. However I can only make use of what is available to me and live alongside the other things even if I am not quite sure what they are there for. Moving forward, I can only do my best and trust in the way of things. 


Monday, April 21, 2014

Stares Back, Blankly

Last week I finished a commissioned piece and turned it in already during the weekend, but I have yet to post it because it has yet to be given as a present. Until then, the image sleeps outside my blog :3 Now I am about to finally begin another commission for which I had been doing warmups. It is going to be a triptych and I am admittedly somewhat intimidated by the largeness of it all :)) It is only my second time on canvas, the first one being a much smaller one and not a commissioned work. Anyway I have sanded one canvas and there it stands, threatening me and intimidating me :)))) I must admit its attempts are effective, but I shall be as brave as I can be XD


Now I shall get back to it and stare back at its blankness, and THEN do what I need to do XD Will be at it until towards late in the afternoon, after which I shall get back to my "day" job. 

So. Your bohemian baby is going to be busy. 

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Eating Art Supplies

No, I am not talking about that time I tasted Prang :))

I am talking about these lovely chocolate, syrupy paint-tubes:

Image from Spoon & Tamago, "Creative Chocolate Ideas from Japan" :) 

Remembering

Image from the Steampunk Facebook page

Such is a gentleman friend, who is now away and is being remembered~

Sunday, April 13, 2014

The Sea Calls

From one of my visits to Boracay

The sea calls; I need to go visit the beach soon. Particularly the practically empty parts or those that do not have the partying crowds. Well, soon enough. 

Friday, April 11, 2014

Odd Babies

These babies from my the Pretty and Odd Art Sale, sold, so thank you, really. At least there are some XD

Consume (2013)

Page Travel (2013)

Pebbleman and Pillow (2012)

And then I also decided to keep these for me instead:

The Odd Girl (2013)

Flight (2014)

This particular art sale is over, so I am currently working on commissions again, but many of the pieces over at my art page are still open for purchase, so just leave me a comment here, a message at my Facebook page, or a text message :3 I have also been sewing designs on some of my skirts, then I am thinking of making more of the floral brooches I made previously, for sale. Maybe I will be trying to sew them for the rest of the month during my Sewing Hours, in time for the next month *suddenly occurring idea* Okay now I am a bit excited, right. But for now I need to get back to work. 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

On This Day in 2010: Playing with Mihara Jun

I realize that on this day in 2010, I had Way Too Much Time that I spent much of it playing with Junko (whom I initially called Mihara-san when we first met, and then Mihara-kun because for a while I got confused with her shorter name which often appeared in her box labels and I briefly thought she was a gentleman, until I was completely sure that with those rosy cheeks she is a lady bunneh, at which time we have grown close and now I can call her plain Junko if not drunk-Junko) and there was even plenty more time for photo shoots. 

Okay, either that, or I had work to do, but being the Queen of Delaying Tactics, I just simply Found Myself Doing Other Things that just seemed more important than the work :D 

So anyway there were three separate posts for this Series of Procrastination on my part, and feel free to check them out because I think they are quite amusing. 

Part 1: Junko Seeks Her Fortune (click here to see the 2010 post)


Part 2: Mihara-san Visits Toro-san (click here to see the 2010 post) 


Part 3: Mihara Jun Overfeeds the Cat (click here to see the 2010 post)


And quite appropriately, the entire series has all of Junko's Different Facial Expressions XD 

I can hardly believe this was four whole years ago. 

Anyway, as of this day in 2012, I was making Felt Bookmarks (click here to see the 2012 post):


And then today this year, I am neither taking photos nor crafting D: I have been working all day : | It is alright though, because I have been able to meet the deadly deadlines I have set for myself so far and I am glad about it :3 I have also been meeting up since the weekend with different friends whom I have not seen in a long time, so they break the dull moments when I would be too tired. Moving forward, I have yet to finish the last part of the work for today, and then I'd probably read or try to get more sleep than I did for the past several nights. So, good night :3

日本の旅行の思い出

Currently taking a break from work, and I came cross some photos from a trip to Japan years ago. Sharing some random ones :3

Where I spent most of the working days. 

One of my lunches.

During a visit to Yokohama. I am not sure if I was at the Sky Garden or in our Yokohama office. 

I like this steampunk part of Disneyland. Reminded me of sphere centurions and those places near Balmora that I cannot pronounce :))

Buildings. Basically my view from the apartment window. 

On my way to the station. 

Before getting into the temple.

Nighttime walk :)

DAT PAW. 

Getting somewhat lost in Ueno :D

Yoshinoya :3

Things I chugged down all day in the office. The Meiji drink won first place.

My oasis.

Crows were practically everywhere and I liked it. 

Friday, April 4, 2014

またね!^_^

This post is late, but I have been quite busy with work and art and Happy-Grounded-Warm-Cozy-Wonderful Times, so anyway here it is, while I am finishing my coffee before I get back to the day's tasks.

Last Sunday a friend came by for a last goodbye, since he is going back home to Japan on the last day of March. He has been very familiar with the entire household, and brought us coffee and muffins for a last couple of hours of catching up (had not seen him for over a month prior to his last visit). He also made sure to pick up the artwork he requested for. He did not ask for any particular image, but just mentioned that it has to have a local touch, and it should not be some typical scenery of a rice field or a beach. Initially I thought of drawing a sorbetes cart, with cute, chibi versions of local aswangs gathering around it to share ice cream, but I guess that was a bit too odd, then I remembered that he has always dreamed of riding a carabao, so I just drew that instead :D

Masarap na Pangarap / Oishii Yume (2014)

It was an amusing scene when he arrived, arms full of things he brought, including this plant which he has turned over to our care :D

Well hello Plant and welcome to your new home :D

So for him were the artwork he ordered and a tiny present we got for him~ 

An artwork and a tiny present. 

We gave him a personal seal set with the first letter of his last name, and we think he was quite moved by it so we were happy about it (^__^) 

A personal seal set! It is pretty much like what I got last Christmas, except this one is bigger and more suitable for a gentleman :)

He gave me and my sister pens, with our names on it. I totally love mine with its shades of Tardis blue. 

A new fountain pen to join my others. This one though has a fine nib; the other ones I have have medium ones. It is my first fine nib pen :) 

And there is my name (^__^)

Everyone had brave, cheerful smiles on, although we knew we were all quite moved by the past couple of years we have become good friends, and by the reality of having to say goodbye now. I also feel especially moved by the fact that this friend of mine never paid a single attention to some empty noises that were going around in our common circles. Anyway he is now safely back in Japan, and we hope to see him again when he visits. Better yet, we would like to see him there when WE visit XD 
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