Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Non-Grimalkin Scissors

Less than a week after last week's cathartic snipping, I got hold of scissors again and cut away more layers and bangs. 

Really, this is the last time I am playing with my hair, okay at least for this quarter :3 

Sunday, May 25, 2014

First of A Triptych

Finished the first of a triptych, which I blogged about previously :)


I just have some urgent work to attend to for the next couple of days (which I have also been working on for most of last week), then I can get right to the second piece in this triptych. I think I have to get even busier than ever. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Scissors, Hair, Catharsis

I have shifted from my Ben-Franklin-type of daily routines and schedules to one that involves a lot of iced Coke and late nights. And then last night, I decided to take a pair of scissors...

...and take the liberty to snip away at my hair, cutting here and there, experimenting and only finding out effects after I have snipped away layers of hair XD (Lemme say, I look so POGI in the photo above.) 

CATHARSIS. No longer as emotional as I was for the past couple of days :)

My head feels so much lighter now and though I cannot put it up in a messy bun anymore, my ponytail no longer touches the skin at the back of my neck so, fair enough for this summer heat :3

As of this afternoon though, it has been cloudy and a bit windy, and tonight I can hear Thor, which is kind of timely because tomorrow is his day XD I think this shift in the seasons tells me that I must really get on with leaving things behind, especially now that less-sunny-afternoons no longer compel me to cleanse haunted paths of Invisible Afternoon Monsters. Moreover, my new, much-less-rigid daily skeds helped in making the days feel Different. 

Now I must carry on with the work that I have committed to finish tonight, so it looks like I am going to sleep again, just like this morning, less than an hour before sunrise :3 I was surprisingly upbeat and  energetic this morning though, partly because of my second wind, and partly because of the music and the pleasant silences in between. Tonight until later in the wee hours, I am not sure how I would fare, but I guess I will do just fine. I have also started this morning a sketch for a Kuma-Neko Project, a project shared with my best friend which was also his idea, and the second photo above was the inspiration for (or was it inspired by) the character I sketched today. I shall post it next time with color, and I intend to color it after tonight's major tasks. Everything sounds quite busy, and I think it is good, because it keeps my mind occupied, and provides a quick thing for me to shift my mind to when it goes off wandering to past places and vivid faces and even things and events that could not or should not take place in this lifetime. 

Friday, May 16, 2014

Lying Vitriolically

Initial sketch for a piece featuring a Little Venom. 

Lunatic. Vile. 

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Cleansing the Paths

Hers, His (2014)

So, this sunny-ness is not exactly helping me now. Ironically: coloring such a cheerful drawing from Tuesday night, and then looking out and feeling this heat of the summer and being overcome by nostalgia, which right now is not helping my recent episodes of anxiety, which are now accompanied by afternoon sensations of mild illness. Since Tuesday, actually.

And so, realizing that these sunny afternoons have such strong associations with certain things and scenarios, I think I must cleanse the paths. I think braving the Invisible Afternoon Monster is the way to go. I believe I must get out and walk the specific paths and drive the Invisible Afternoon Monster away. I would rather run away and get away and forget. But this Invisible Afternoon Monster is not going away and I am not sure how long it intends to stay. So I must go towards it. Exorcise these paths, these spots, these places. And then stand guard until it tires of snarling at me and stabbing me with certain thoughts and words and scents. And then come back on each weekday, and exorcise these roads, these paths, these places, and face it and brave it each time, because it does not die easily, apparently. Until one day, the whole task will be nothing but some tiresome ritual and the Afternoon Monster will just dissipate into nothingness because it just lost its magic and ownership of those roads, those paths, those specific places. Then maybe, the sunny afternoons won't get to me anymore, at all, because they would no longer be associated with anything, except perhaps peaceful silence and dear solitude. 


The feeling SINKS in. 

Pleasure and Oppression (2014)

Stabs. Sinks in and spreads to my entire system. 

I am no longer part of that and he is no longer part of this. 

Apart. In some different, more hurtful way, it sinks in even more today. 

It is sunny and bright and I am not seeing him under the shade. 

It was also my decision, but still, it is sunny and bright and I am not seeing him under the shade. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Pages, Remembered

Summer-themed felt bookmarks I made two summers ago 

Remembering old page-markers :3 I made them for selling but ended up giving them to friends :D 

I have been reading up more frequently lately, to fill in the silences of the late nights when I am not out and it takes a while to fall sleep, which is fairly soon enough. Last night, though, was an episode of insomnia, which is weird, especially since it followed an evening which had a taste of an old anxiety in it. And then, after nights of Falling Asleep Easily, last night was just tough. Insomnia won. And I could not even focus enough to read. So I wrote. Thoughts and recent seeming coincidences and random ideas and associations. All throughout, a vivid face, and this time I could Hear his voice. The familiar laughter. The familiar smell of the vehicle. The weight on my left knee during drives. That lovely-little-boy scent of hair and sideburns. It was tough, not being able to fall asleep, and being haunted by such, Dreadfully Haunted. I was not depressed though. Oppressed, somewhat; depressed, absolutely not. Maybe I have eased in to the changes since the start of the month, and now I am sliding into the ordinariness of days with a piece of something stabby stuck in my heart and it kind of hurts to breathe. And move. And think. And Remember. But I get by. I hope for better summers in the future. Prettier. Lovelier. Happier :) (See that subtle, mildly insane shift? Fantastic.) 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Good Night

I bid you good night, with a startup illustration and some blackberry wine. 

I am glad I am a bit calmer now, and maybe it is the wine, but what matters is that I am no longer as anxious. Lately it has been Certain Vivid Memories, and earlier this evening I felt that old familiar anxiety that I'd sometimes feel on certain evenings last month. I have no idea why, but everywhere I looked lately, that face would be there, waiting. The smile, the crow's feet branching from the lovely eyes, those teeth, that stubble, that hair. Each element a stab. But now I am thankfully much less anxious. I hope I get to sleep well tonight. I can hardly wait for this phase to be over. 

Because Sunny is Better Than Shady

Dragonflies in Progress

The first of a triptych, in progress. Basically what occupied my art-hours last week. I intend to finish it this week and then get started on the second one. Subject was a specific request, and I feel wobbly but I can only keep doing my best XD 

I like listening to Katie Costello, Meiko, and Owl City when painting these kinds of pieces.  At least  for now. 

I skip Meiko though, when it makes me feel sad.

Owl City is lovely but I think it also made me realize that if Owl City represented the character of a man, I'd just totally want him as a friend. 

Like if men were music, Owl City would be totally sweet, but, no. I have this penchant for awkward dorks who are actually Crisis Core music tracks. Like Mr. Bingley but with the sword of Zack. All that properness topped off with determination and a wonderful sense of domination. Or is that just me being biased and associative not to mention mildly masochistic. 

I need to get out of my mind a lot recently, and painting does magic. 

I may sigh a million times while at it but at least I am creating something. 

Catharsis, it is. 

I do miss the how-are-yous and updating him about my painting progress but then I just get back to painting. I say "enough," Andrew-Lincoln-fashion. Enough. Enough now. :D

Nowhere to go but forward. Of course I can choose to fixate and such, but WHY would I even, right. I have died one too many times. Oh, that was very Clara Oswald :)) 

Just the dragonflies left to work on, and I am quite excited :3 *sudden shift* It cannot be helped. I am no longer doing the catching-up-part. Peel away and drive forward. Chase. Pursue. Be absolutely sure. Be true. Be worth it.  

Monday, May 12, 2014


Photos from posts on this day in 2012

Fly Away, Escape

Flight (2014)

I have this mad need to fly away, escape, run, forget. 

Yesterday was, for some reason, his vivid face everywhere. Naps were not quite fun because he'd be there, waiting. From the first time when that face was sparkly and adorably awkward, until the last time when it was just tired and telling me he did call and send messages everyday. And so I ached for a great part of the afternoon and the evening. Until the wee hours. Spasms of aches, like tiny little stabs that resulted to about a million sighs. 

And then I woke up this morning, countless times, my lethargy and melancholy letting me sink back into many tiresome dreams I cannot even remember. Each waking brought with it the question of what-am-I-still-doing-alive. And so I slept on, until I had to drag myself out eventually. This is just one of a few phases, but how it weighs upon me. 

An hour after noon, I was asleep again. And then I got up disoriented and anxious and having painful withdrawal symptoms, and as I passed the mirror I briefly saw that face, and remembered how he said we kind of look alike. Then I died, and decided I must keep pressing forward. 

I have this mad need to fly away, escape, run, forget. 

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Cup of Coffee

"Cup of Coffee" by Garbage started playing just as I was about to have my second cup of coffee for the day. Perhaps not the same words apply to me, but I definitely get all that lost, floaty feeling. At least I can be grateful mine isn't as bad as the song's. Far from it actually. And I have been eating enough and sleeping okay so I guess I am good. So, like suddenly, I notice how much better I am actually doing! I do have my inside-places-aches but at least not for the greater part of the day. And for today in particular, I have been reading a lot, today being my rest day and all. And I like the heat of this weather. And my coffee. Makes me feel Mexican in an odd way. And now I remember having told someone that before while we shared coffee on a warm afternoon. Now all I need to do is let go of thoughts of a beautiful face offering me a hankie for something that got caught in my eye. I can always just love from a distance. Until the feeling dies of weariness. 



Long drives. Real ones. Not the "drives" that really mean bringing me back to the anteroom. But real, long drives that go far away, that take me away, that take us away. No schemes, no tricks to Getting A Last One, but just pure, honest togetherness. Maybe if there is at least one parallel universe that has that, perhaps I can be happy for me there. In this universe though, well, perhaps, I must really get started on walking forward. The truth is, I have started since I have made my decision, except that I kept coming to these halts, occasionally looking back, hoping to be saved or stopped, but I guess not. Now I shall start walking steadily forward, and I hope I would be running in no time. 

And by the way, the hating wasn't real, it was just something I thought and said, but not really felt. 

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

A Soothing Sunday in Pictures

The series of today's posts is kind of psycho, I know, from Drowning with Feels to Hindsight Hating and then suddenly a sunny, soothing Sunday, right :)) 

So in the morning my best friend Peter picked me and my sister up to check out a weekend market where we also had lunch and the Fresh Ginger Ale That Haunts Me Until Now. Then we went to the bookstore, and then he brought us to this nice place called Yardstick.

He discovered it first and said it was someplace where we could have good coffee and make art. He said my sister could write and I could draw while he makes his tiny art creations (that sometimes look really chewy to me). 

So after lunch and the trip to the bookstore, we went there and spent the rest of the entire afternoon with cold brews, few conversations, and mostly art. 

My sister brought along the assorted baklavas she got from the market. They were perfect with the cold brews. My cold brew had milk in it. 

I am exchanging messages with three female kendo mates and we are all working on a drawing challenge. The current subject is Favorite Food, and we are all taking time with it because we all have too many. One already sent in a lovely illustration of a sandwich, and I decided to draw an onigiri because I have been fixating on the onigiri sensei brings to kendo and the onigiri I always get from the Family Mart. So I brought my tiny sketch pad together with some watercolor and books and journals. 

It was a very cozy place and I am definitely visiting again. 

Peter brought clay and and decided to make a small clay image of the Killer Kitty in Jeans

We were mostly quiet, working on our corners of the table. Every now and then I'd take photos of Peter's progress with the kitty. The baklavas just naturally vanished. 

It was a generally cheerful and relaxing day and time passed fairly quickly. 

At some time in the late part of the afternoon though, I felt somewhat anxious and achey again, but timely things shifted me back to my okay-self again and I was able to brush away thoughts that wound and weaken. 

I have not been much of a rune junkie lately because right now I guess I just have to wait out this difficult phase. 

By the time it grew dark outside, Yardstick had to prepare for closing, so we headed out to drive someplace for dinner. This photo of mine had to be taken first, because the red dress sort of matches that of the lucky girl who gets to be in her forever home. And nearly everyone who saw this in my art page or my Facebook album echoed someone's opinion that she totally looks like me. And somehow their emphasis is on the fangs and That Smile. 

So that was how our Sunday went. In fact the weekend was great because Saturday night I had dinner with a new friend and she was really great to be with, so I had quite a lot of fun too :) Monday came with a different air but that shall be for tomorrow's post probably. Meanwhile, you've got clay figures and onigiri and heart-eaters in your mind. Or perhaps girls in red dresses. 
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